I tried... i really did.  But perhaps i should start from the beginning.

Sometime in July, this girl i've been dating (Ashley), gave me an ultimatum.  She wanted me to stop dating other girls.  She wanted to be exclusive.  At the time, I wasn't ready for a relationship.  It had nothing to do with "dating other girls", i was just scared.  I was scared that if i got into a relationship that i would fuck it all up.  I'd get paranoid... or jealous... or start to accuse her of things.  I don't like who i am when i'm in a relationship.  And the last thing i wanted, was for Ashley to start regretting she ever got involved with me.  So i told her no... that i wasn't ready.  That i liked her, and i could see myself with her, but not from an ultimatum... When i decide to be with her, it'll be of my own choosing.  It'll be because I won't be able to stand the feeling of not being with her, not because she gave me an ultimatum.

She was scared that this was her last chance with me... so she decided to stick it out longer.  Another month goes by, and she starts feeling the same way again.  This time, she tells me that she's done waiting for me.  And that she's going to start "looking for someone that wants to be with her."  She never understood that i wanted to be with her... i was just scared, and not ready.  But i understood.  Its not right for me to ask her to wait.  But i told myself then, that i needed to "fix myself" so i can be with her.  And I did...

Over the last week, she's been more distant.  So i finally asked her if i was losing her.  She reassured me that i wasn't.  I made plans for a great weekend with her.  The next day, i found out that she met someone else.  I was heartbroken, but it was my own damn fault.  I waited too long.  But i was ready, and damned if i wasn't going to at least try.

"If i asked you to be with me... just me... in a relationship.  Would you?"

"No."

And there it was... I was losing her.  I can understand that she met someone else.  Sure, that hurts.  But what hurts more is that she felt the need to hide it from me.  I've always been honest with her.  And all i ever asked was that she keep me informed with "going-ons" in her life.  I may not have liked it, but trust me when i say that i would've understood.

In not so many words, she implied that now i was in the position that she was in.  And that i would have to wait now.  The difference is, the only reason i wasn't with her was that i wasn't ready.  Not ready to face the kind of man i become when i'm with someone.  But i knew i wanted to be with her.  She was the one that i wanted.  In this situation, i wasn't wanted.  It had nothing to do with her "being ready".  Fact is, she didn't know if she wanted me anymore.   Nothing hurts more than feeling like you're being discarded.  But i knew at this point that i loved her.  So i tried to be understanding, and wait for her... hopefully thinking that she was just mad, and wanted me to suffer a little.

But it was more than that.  She genuinely liked this guy.  I had more and more problems dealing with her spending time with him.  I told her as much... that i didn't know how much longer i could keep doing it.  Then i pieced together that she stayed the night with him.  That broke me.

One note here:   Part of the reason that i realized i was ready to be in a relationship, is that while i was with Ashley, i never did anything with another girl.  Sure, i spent time with girls, but nothing intimate ever happened besides a kiss.  And during one of our monthly fights, one thing that was said, was that we wouldn't be dating each other if we were that intimate with someone else.

Now, I don't know if anything happened that night with her and that other guy.  But that doesn't really matter, does it?  I asked myself, would you ever spend the night with someone if you wanted to be someone else?  And then i thought how Ashley would react if i were to have stayed the night with another girl.  And i know she would've done the same thing.  In my mind, she made up her mind when she decided to stay the night with him.  So i texted her my concerns.


 -----

He sat on his porch, phone in hand. A half-formed text already typed out on his phone.  His thumb hovering slightly above the send button.  With his eyes clouding over, he let his thumb fall.
"I don't think i can babe." was whisked away on the wind... and with it, the last of his hopes.

"What?" She simply wrote.

"Do this." He trembled.  "I don't know if I can.  I don't think i can handle you sleeping at another guy's house.  That's a bit too much for me."  He finished.

A minute's worth of eternity passed before her response.  As he looked at his phone, he hesistated to unlock it.  Did she want to talk about it?  Did she make up her mind?  He slid his finger across the tear-stained glass.

"Goodbye Rian."
-----


And that was it.  No explanation.  I guess i honestly didn't need it.  She made her decision when she stayed the night.  I just thought that, after what we had, she would've at least ended it with an explanation... face to face.  But...

I tried... i really did.  I've been nothing but honest with her from the start.  I told her i wasn't looking for anything too serious.  I told her i had issues, but i was working on them.  And later, when my feelings developed for her,  i told her was working on them so i could be with her.  I fell in love with her.  With her incredibly dry sarcasm.  The way she chews gum when she smokes because she doesn't like the taste. The way her jaw drops when she's sleeping.  The way she propped herself up on my hips while i picked her up.  And our kisses.  There was always something more to it when we kissed.  There was something there.

I tried... i really did.  I gave her all of me that i could.  And when more of me formed, i gave her that too.  I never lied to her.  But it wasn't enough. I wasn't enough.  When it comes down to it, she chose him over me.  I think that why i'm having such a hard time with this.  Its because i know its over now.  No matter what, I'll always remember that she chose him over me.  If she ever wanted to get back together, i'll always think about how she chose him.  I would be the safety net.  The fallback.  The backburner.  And i can't be that person.  I want someone who wants me.  Someone who knows they want me.  I've always said: "I'm big on sincerity", and this is why.  I don't want to be the one she settles for.  I want to be the choice.  I know at one point, she did choose me.  But when it came down to it... she chose him over me.  I don't think i could give her another chance.

I hope she's happy.  And i don't mean that as mean-spirited, or with malice.  I really do hope she's happy.  That's what love is.  You want what's best for them.  I hope he's worth it.  And that it works out with him.  I hope he doesn't just fuck her over, or that she doesn't screw it up with him, and gives him a real chance.  I always felt i was standing in her way from finding someone.  Now is her chance.  I just hope she makes it count.  Because she sacrificed anything we could have had... for him.  And dammit, it better be worth it.

I could call you babydoll all the time, and you'd whisper in my ears. You'd say: "I miss you boy." 

Mayday parade - Your Song (Valdosta)

And it seems, it is not without a sense of humor.

So, this last year has been a rough relationship ride.  I've been dating two different girls.  One of them, Sarah, i met in October. And at the time, she was exactly what i needed.  She wasn't looking to get serious, and was concerned more about her academic future than in finding anyone.  We've been seeing each other since then.  First, it was once a week, then after the first semester, it moved to once every other week.  Now, we're at about once a month.

This other girl, Ashley, i briefly dated her in November.  We saw eachother for about two weeks.  But it was intense.  There was a spark from the start.  But i wasn't ready to be in a relationship yet.  So she said to me, "I can't see you anymore."  And promptly disappeared from my life.  I met her through a chance encounter (see: Facebook) back in May. After a couple of months, she realized that i still wasn't ready, and gave me an ultimatum.  Either stop seeing other girls, or she leaves.

So when i mentioned it to my friends, they all said the same thing.  "Just figure out which girl you want to be with."  Nobody seems to understand, that it was never about liking one girl over the other.  Its about who i become when i'm in a relationship. I become this jealous, paranoid person that constantly questions them on who they're with, and what they did.  I hate that person.  I feel like i have to work on becoming a better person before i can contribute to a healthy relationship.  Plus, if i did decide to be with her, it would feel like she forced me into it.  And i don't want to resent her later for that.  When i decide to be with Ashley, i want it to be something *I* decide.

Well, after talking with Ashley, she decided to stay with me longer to see if maybe i'd work it out.  Everything was going great.  I was happy with her.  I saw Sarah occasionally, but even while i was with her, i thought of Ashley.  And then all of a sudden, Ashley stopped texting for a couple of days.  I tried to use this as a "growing experience" and to not let it get to me.  But i kept getting paranoid. Something felt different.

I found out tonight that she met someone else.  And she's pretty sure that what we have won't work out.  She's tired of waiting around for me, and decided to give up on me.  I can understand.  I would never ask someone to wait for me.  But i was curious as to when she decided it wasn't worth it. So i asked her when she finally decided to give up.

"Last night." She said.

"And", He started,  "Would you have come to that same conclusion last night if you never met him?"

"I would have came to it whenever I met someone else who wanted to be in a relationship with me. No matter who it may be. Unlike you."  She bitterly stated.


I saw Sarah earlier this night. (before my conversation with Ashley).  The first time in a month.  And, like always, she kept me waiting.  While sitting in my car for an hour, i realized something.  Ashley never keeps me waiting.  Ashley genuinely wants to see me.  And all night, i contemplated how to end it with Sarah.  But i still got this weird feeling concerning Ashley, so i hesitated.  But it was there.  That epiphany.  The knowledge that I wanted to be with Ashley more than Sarah...

...And it was twenty-four hours too late. Sure, she still might want to be with me.  But now it just feels so... "forced".

I've said it before: "If you follow coincidence far enough, you'll find it tied to fate."
And its conspiring against me.

But who am I to say that every breath we take won't be another pointless kiss we gave away.

Why I'm Home - Go Radio

There's so much i could say about her... How i first met her as her tutor, or how she picked up on my hints that i needed someone to take to the symphony.  How we kept our dating a secret from our classmates all the while texting each other while sitting at the same table. How i we both agreed that we weren't ready for a relationship, and considered ourselves "non-dating" each other. How we try to keep each date new and different.  My first time ice skating was with her.  I surprised her with tickets to Cirque du Soleil.  Giving her a stuffed kitten and a ball of string for christmas because she always teased me by telling me she likes me as much as a kitten likes a ball of string.  How we hide hidden messages within our texts...  But the fact that i'm writing about her here, should speak volumes on how much i like her.

I've never wanted anything so bad

Good Mother - Jay Brannan