Discretionary Tales of Normality

I would've called her babydoll...

2011-09-22T03:34:00.000-05:00

I tried... i really did. But perhaps i should start from the beginning.

Sometime in July, this girl i've been dating (Ashley), gave me an ultimatum. She wanted me to stop dating other girls. She wanted to be exclusive. At the time, I wasn't ready for a relationship. It had nothing to do with "dating other girls", i was just scared. I was scared that if i got into a relationship that i would fuck it all up. I'd get paranoid... or jealous... or start to accuse her of things. I don't like who i am when i'm in a relationship. And the last thing i wanted, was for Ashley to start regretting she ever got involved with me. So i told her no... that i wasn't ready. That i liked her, and i could see myself with her, but not from an ultimatum... When i decide to be with her, it'll be of my own choosing. It'll be because I won't be able to stand the feeling of not being with her, not because she gave me an ultimatum.

She was scared that this was her last chance with me... so she decided to stick it out longer. Another month goes by, and she starts feeling the same way again. This time, she tells me that she's done waiting for me. And that she's going to start "looking for someone that wants to be with her." She never understood that i wanted to be with her... i was just scared, and not ready. But i understood. Its not right for me to ask her to wait. But i told myself then, that i needed to "fix myself" so i can be with her. And I did...

Over the last week, she's been more distant. So i finally asked her if i was losing her. She reassured me that i wasn't. I made plans for a great weekend with her. The next day, i found out that she met someone else. I was heartbroken, but it was my own damn fault. I waited too long. But i was ready, and damned if i wasn't going to at least try.

"If i asked you to be with me... just me... in a relationship. Would you?"

"No."

And there it was... I was losing her. I can understand that she met someone else. Sure, that hurts. But what hurts more is that she felt the need to hide it from me. I've always been honest with her. And all i ever asked was that she keep me informed with "going-ons" in her life. I may not have liked it, but trust me when i say that i would've understood.

In not so many words, she implied that now i was in the position that she was in. And that i would have to wait now. The difference is, the only reason i wasn't with her was that i wasn't ready. Not ready to face the kind of man i become when i'm with someone. But i knew i wanted to be with her. She was the one that i wanted. In this situation, i wasn't wanted. It had nothing to do with her "being ready". Fact is, she didn't know if she wanted me anymore. Nothing hurts more than feeling like you're being discarded. But i knew at this point that i loved her. So i tried to be understanding, and wait for her... hopefully thinking that she was just mad, and wanted me to suffer a little.

But it was more than that. She genuinely liked this guy. I had more and more problems dealing with her spending time with him. I told her as much... that i didn't know how much longer i could keep doing it. Then i pieced together that she stayed the night with him. That broke me.

One note here: Part of the reason that i realized i was ready to be in a relationship, is that while i was with Ashley, i never did anything with another girl. Sure, i spent time with girls, but nothing intimate ever happened besides a kiss. And during one of our monthly fights, one thing that was said, was that we wouldn't be dating each other if we were that intimate with someone else.

Now, I don't know if anything happened that night with her and that other guy. But that doesn't really matter, does it? I asked myself, would you ever spend the night with someone if you wanted to be someone else? And then i thought how Ashley would react if i were to have stayed the night with another girl. And i know she would've done the same thing. In my mind, she made up her mind when she decided to stay the night with him. So i texted her my concerns.

-----

He sat on his porch, phone in hand. A half-formed text already typed out on his phone. His thumb hovering slightly above the send button. With his eyes clouding over, he let his thumb fall.
"I don't think i can babe." was whisked away on the wind... and with it, the last of his hopes.

"What?" She simply wrote.

"Do this." He trembled. "I don't know if I can. I don't think i can handle you sleeping at another guy's house. That's a bit too much for me." He finished.

A minute's worth of eternity passed before her response. As he looked at his phone, he hesistated to unlock it. Did she want to talk about it? Did she make up her mind? He slid his finger across the tear-stained glass.

"Goodbye Rian."
-----

And that was it. No explanation. I guess i honestly didn't need it. She made her decision when she stayed the night. I just thought that, after what we had, she would've at least ended it with an explanation... face to face. But...

I tried... i really did. I've been nothing but honest with her from the start. I told her i wasn't looking for anything too serious. I told her i had issues, but i was working on them. And later, when my feelings developed for her, i told her was working on them so i could be with her. I fell in love with her. With her incredibly dry sarcasm. The way she chews gum when she smokes because she doesn't like the taste. The way her jaw drops when she's sleeping. The way she propped herself up on my hips while i picked her up. And our kisses. There was always something more to it when we kissed. There was something there.

I tried... i really did. I gave her all of me that i could. And when more of me formed, i gave her that too. I never lied to her. But it wasn't enough. I wasn't enough. When it comes down to it, she chose him over me. I think that why i'm having such a hard time with this. Its because i know its over now. No matter what, I'll always remember that she chose him over me. If she ever wanted to get back together, i'll always think about how she chose him. I would be the safety net. The fallback. The backburner. And i can't be that person. I want someone who wants me. Someone who knows they want me. I've always said: "I'm big on sincerity", and this is why. I don't want to be the one she settles for. I want to be the choice. I know at one point, she did choose me. But when it came down to it... she chose him over me. I don't think i could give her another chance.

I hope she's happy. And i don't mean that as mean-spirited, or with malice. I really do hope she's happy. That's what love is. You want what's best for them. I hope he's worth it. And that it works out with him. I hope he doesn't just fuck her over, or that she doesn't screw it up with him, and gives him a real chance. I always felt i was standing in her way from finding someone. Now is her chance. I just hope she makes it count. Because she sacrificed anything we could have had... for him. And dammit, it better be worth it.

I could call you babydoll all the time, and you'd whisper in my ears. You'd say: "I miss you boy."

Mayday parade - Your Song (Valdosta)

Coincidence is Conspiring Against Me...

2011-08-27T02:51:00.000-05:00

And it seems, it is not without a sense of humor.

So, this last year has been a rough relationship ride. I've been dating two different girls. One of them, Sarah, i met in October. And at the time, she was exactly what i needed. She wasn't looking to get serious, and was concerned more about her academic future than in finding anyone. We've been seeing each other since then. First, it was once a week, then after the first semester, it moved to once every other week. Now, we're at about once a month.

This other girl, Ashley, i briefly dated her in November. We saw eachother for about two weeks. But it was intense. There was a spark from the start. But i wasn't ready to be in a relationship yet. So she said to me, "I can't see you anymore." And promptly disappeared from my life. I met her through a chance encounter (see: Facebook) back in May. After a couple of months, she realized that i still wasn't ready, and gave me an ultimatum. Either stop seeing other girls, or she leaves.

So when i mentioned it to my friends, they all said the same thing. "Just figure out which girl you want to be with." Nobody seems to understand, that it was never about liking one girl over the other. Its about who i become when i'm in a relationship. I become this jealous, paranoid person that constantly questions them on who they're with, and what they did. I hate that person. I feel like i have to work on becoming a better person before i can contribute to a healthy relationship. Plus, if i did decide to be with her, it would feel like she forced me into it. And i don't want to resent her later for that. When i decide to be with Ashley, i want it to be something *I* decide.

Well, after talking with Ashley, she decided to stay with me longer to see if maybe i'd work it out. Everything was going great. I was happy with her. I saw Sarah occasionally, but even while i was with her, i thought of Ashley. And then all of a sudden, Ashley stopped texting for a couple of days. I tried to use this as a "growing experience" and to not let it get to me. But i kept getting paranoid. Something felt different.

I found out tonight that she met someone else. And she's pretty sure that what we have won't work out. She's tired of waiting around for me, and decided to give up on me. I can understand. I would never ask someone to wait for me. But i was curious as to when she decided it wasn't worth it. So i asked her when she finally decided to give up.

"Last night." She said.

"And", He started, "Would you have come to that same conclusion last night if you never met him?"

"I would have came to it whenever I met someone else who wanted to be in a relationship with me. No matter who it may be. Unlike you." She bitterly stated.

I saw Sarah earlier this night. (before my conversation with Ashley). The first time in a month. And, like always, she kept me waiting. While sitting in my car for an hour, i realized something. Ashley never keeps me waiting. Ashley genuinely wants to see me. And all night, i contemplated how to end it with Sarah. But i still got this weird feeling concerning Ashley, so i hesitated. But it was there. That epiphany. The knowledge that I wanted to be with Ashley more than Sarah...

...And it was twenty-four hours too late. Sure, she still might want to be with me. But now it just feels so... "forced".

I've said it before: "If you follow coincidence far enough, you'll find it tied to fate."
And its conspiring against me.

But who am I to say that every breath we take won't be another pointless kiss we gave away.

Why I'm Home - Go Radio

Beautifully Bittersweet

2011-02-16T05:43:00.000-06:00

There's so much i could say about her... How i first met her as her tutor, or how she picked up on my hints that i needed someone to take to the symphony. How we kept our dating a secret from our classmates all the while texting each other while sitting at the same table. How i we both agreed that we weren't ready for a relationship, and considered ourselves "non-dating" each other. How we try to keep each date new and different. My first time ice skating was with her. I surprised her with tickets to Cirque du Soleil. Giving her a stuffed kitten and a ball of string for christmas because she always teased me by telling me she likes me as much as a kitten likes a ball of string. How we hide hidden messages within our texts... But the fact that i'm writing about her here, should speak volumes on how much i like her.

I've never wanted anything so bad

Good Mother - Jay Brannan

Thank you Merriam

2010-06-29T05:07:00.001-05:00

Function: noun

Date: 1954

1 : personal psychosocial conflict especially in adolescence that involves confusion about one's social role and often a sense of loss of continuity to one's personality

I can't explain it, but i don't like it. I'm at a place where i think i should be, but i can't honestly say that i'm happy i'm here.

A lot of people say that they're going to "work on themselves" for a while. They never tell you that the path is a lonely one.

I've tried serious relationships... gawd knows i've tried. And they never seemed to work out for me. I'm trying casual relationships, and i can't say its any better. What's worse is that its making me re-evaluate where my life is heading. Its quite a sobering thought, and sobriety is made of bitch.

I just don't get it. I've quit smoking, i'm back in college and actually finishing it finally. I've even had someone offer to get my resume passed on to the owner of a software company i'd like to work at. I'm dating people. I decided that i wanted all of this last year, and now that i've got it, i'm not any happier.

In fact, i can't remember being this... depressed? Its not like this is some heartbreak, or love-lost, or betrayal. This is worse, because its not something i've had experience dealing with. And i'll be honest, i'm scared. For the first time, in a very long time, i really dont' know who i am anymore...

Set me free, leave me be... I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity.
Gravity - Sara Bareilles

New Blog

2009-12-11T07:13:00.001-06:00

This is the first real entry for this blog. I've spent the last couple days transferring the blog from my Myspace account over here. Sadly, i wasn't able to transfer over the comments that were originally posted for each entry. But i guess if you're really interested, you can always check out my original blog at Myspace account.

One thing that i haven't quite figured out yet, is how to make a private entry. Is that even possible with Blogger? I have a couple of "private" blogs i'd like to transfer over here, but to be honest, they make me sound quite... um... crazy?... paranoid?... So it's prolly best if i don't make them public.

Anyway, hopefully i'll update this soon with some current blogs. I just wanted to get things started over here.

My life as a soundtrack

2009-11-08T08:11:00.001-06:00

He was a dim silhouette against the stage he was standing on. His eyes pierced the darkness flitting from face to face, but failing to find hers. He let the guitar fall to his side as he described the intro for his next song.

"This next one, I'd like to consider a 'hopeful breakup' song", he said with a practiced grin. The audience responded with a few laughs.

"You know," he reassured, "Its when you break up, with the hope of getting back together." The audience nodded their heads in agreement.

"Its when you're with the right person at the wrong time." His smile cracked a little. "I guess we're all a victim of timing."

And as the first chords of the song drifted across the room, he saw her. She smiled a painful goodbye as she turned towards the door. And as he watched her leave, his hand faltered. Another victim of timing.

-------------------

I recently won tickets from a radio station to watch Joshua Radin at a pretty intimate venue. I got to watch the sound check, and then he played about four songs for all the winners (about 10 of us). Afterwards, we go to meet and talk with him. Pretty neat, not gonna lie.

During his show though, he intro'd one of his songs pretty much the same way as i wrote it (minus all the love-lost melodrama that i like to add). And after each line of description, i shook my head. It was as if he was speaking directly to me and my recent experiences.

He said that the next song was a "hopeful breakup" song. People who break up and hope to get back together later.

-Heh, yeah, that happened to me.

When you're with the right person, at the wrong time. Victims of timing.

-wow, that kinda sounds like my situation

Its called, "You got growing up to do"

-seriously? wtf...

The way he described though, there was no malice in there. Its not like he was mad about it, he understood what needed to be done, and accepted it. Which completely mirrors my situation with Lindsey. And speaking of the situation with Lindsey, i'm sure i'll write about it. Just not yet. Its still kinda too soon for me.

The best thing I can give to you is for me to go, leave you alone... you got growin' up to do.
You Got Growin Up to Do - Joshua Radin

Struck a Chord

2009-08-10T07:39:00.001-05:00

"If I only had my Yellow raincoat I'd
take a walk in the pouring rain and I'd
look up at the sky, watch the clouds roll by,
worries wash away playing in the rain

If I only had my Yellow raincoat I'd
sit and watch cartoons on sunday afternoons
Id build a blanket fort, put off my book report
watching Sesame Street in pajamas with slipper feet

If I only had my Yellow raincoat I'd
dance around in the pouring rain and I'd
make ice cream on my bike, any flavor I would like
worries wash away playing in the rain

If I only had my Yellow raincoat I'd
ride around on my big wheel and I'd
pretend that I could fly, soar across the sky,
always loved to play with big wheels in the rain

But, its getting cold now,
and its raining hard now,
and I'm too old to play in the pouring rain now
and I don't have my yellow rain coat, and I don't want to get wet anymore"

Tim Hanauer - Yellow Raincoat

I've Stilled My Beating Heart

2008-08-15T12:01:00.001-05:00

Here's a blog that i've been meaning to write for awhile. I don't know how to begin, but i know how it'll end. Anyone who knows me (and has listened to me drone on about love, both lost and unrequited) should know about Missy. If you don't, then you're about to learn...

Let me give you a primer. Before i start a story. (forgive the random thoughts throughout this blog... i'm kinda winging it. And i've been reading Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy, so i'm sure some of his style is gonna rub off).

Most people can remember their first crush. Mine was Jenni Nonte. This story is not about her. No, this story is about first love. And everyone remembers their first love. Mine was Missy. There's always been a girl that's come between a "best friend" and myself. AJ's was Missy. She started off as his girlfriend. Over time, i started talking to her. Subtle at first, but with growing intesity. Eventually, i was talking to her more than she was talking to AJ. One night, i remember telling her that i think i was falling in love with her. She didn't rebuke me, and things never became awkward between us. But she never did returned the phrase.

Eventually AJ found out, and rightfully so, confronted me. Faced with an ultimatum of Her or Him, i chose my best friend. And just like that, Missy disappeared from my life.

I never did know what happened between them, but sufficed to say, they broke up. But i've always thought about her. Like i said, you never forget your first love.

It was three years into my relationship with Erica, and what once was a budding romance seemed to be wilting. We were engaged, but not happy. She started spending more time with one of my coworkers, and while i was suspect of it, i let it slide as paranoia. I wouldn't realize until later that she was cheating on me. During this time, while stress and paranoia suppressed any hope of happiness, she walked into my job. I understood in that moment the definition of "took my breath away". I quite literally forgot to breathe. For five years she's always been in the back of my mind, and to see her walk from my mind's eye and through my door was more than i could handle. If i spoke every language, knew every similie and metaphor, i could not describe that moment. It would be easier to color a symphony, and to speak a painting. And despite all my prose and hyperbole, please believe me that i do not exaggerate when i say my heart skipped a beat. Missy.

During the next few weeks, she visited me more and more. We talked and laughed about old memories, all the while creating new ones. The moment most etched into my mind was shopping at the mall. Normally such an insignificant experience, but much like Missy, it meant so much more to me. As we walked through the tawdry tumble of boutiques, she slipped her hand through my arms. Arm in arm was my moment of rapture, and eventually my anguish.

One day while waiting for me at my job, my coworker (the same one who had a liason with my fiancee) mentioned to Missy that i was, quite point of fact, engaged. I should've mentioned it, i know. But when you're flying above the clouds, its hard to think of the ground. I was blinded by my own bliss. And because of that, Missy disappeared from my life.

------
I'm not going to get into any more details about my relationship with Erica. I've never tried to justify my actions, simply because there is no excuse for it. I'm simply stating what happened. If you want to know what eventually happened between Erica and myself, you can always read about it here.
------

After Erica, i eventually moved on. It took awhile, but i eventually started to have faith in relationships again. I met Michelle which were some of the happiest times i can remember. Until she did exactly what Erica did to me. If you don't know about Michelle:

1. HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW ABOUT MICHELLE?!!

B. If you need to know, its in my blogs.

Anyways, it crushed me. Any faith i had in women was shattered, and i thought it best to get away for awhile. I found solace in New York for awhile, and then came back.

As time went by, i found myself getting increasingly depressed. It was a downward spiral that i refused to be saved from. At one of my low points, i remember asking to "whatever powers may be" for some proof that i could or should ever love again. Some way for me to know that things would get better.

And for the second time in my life, my breath caught, and my heart skipped a beat. She walked into Old Navy. Missy. At the time, in seemed like synchronicity. She recently broke up with her boyfriend and was single. I gave her my new number and simply hoped. Unfortunately, nothing came from this chance encounter. I never heard from her, and just like that, Missy disappeared from my life.

Let me just reflect before finally finishing up. One of my biggest regrets is that i never found out if Missy ever had feelings for me. "Ever" being the key word there. Since freshman year of highschool, she never responded to me saying "I think i'm falling in love with you." During that brief period five years later, i felt maybe there was a chance. But i'll never know. And that's what kills me. I will never know if there was EVER anything more than just friendship. I guess a part of me doesn't want to know. After all, what if she never did? Maybe its better leaving that part open to my own interpretation. All i know is that everytime i felt like i couldn't love another person again, she was there. She was there to remind me that, yes, i am still capable of love. Because after all this time, i can still remember how i felt when i first said to her "I think i'm falling in love with you."

My reasons for writing this is that i decided to look her up on facebook. And she was there....

...and married.

All this time, i've wanted to ask her, and now that i have a chance, now that i've finally found her... i can't. i won't. Better to dream of your chances, than to take chances with your dreams. I just wish i could tell her that even though she didn't know it, there was someone out there who cared about her more than she could know. Someone who remembered her birthday every year, even though he never called. Someone who remembered the funny pattern her phone number made when dialing. That all this time, whenever she was depressed, or stressed, or lonely... there was someone who was still thinking about her.

And even though she didn't walk through my door, once again, Missy disappears from my life. But i still can't help but wonder...

Headlights on the highway could not help me understand... Whatever it is you need, I pray I am.
Headlights on the Highway - Ron Pope

Little wonders

2007-08-16T03:26:00.000-05:00

I've always mentioned to my friends that when i eventually have a child, i have little stories set aside for them. Everyone makes wishes, be it candles on a cake, or at the sight of a star descending in the night sky. Some, like me, will make a wish on a captured dandelion seed floating carefree in the breeze.

-------

His hand deftly plucked a dandelion seed suspended in the air. He opened his hand to show his daughter. Unfiltered amazement filled the little girl's eyes. They shined with sheer adoration for him. In her eyes, this man could do anything.

"If you catch one of these, you can make a wish. But you have to let it go afterwards." He said with an impish grin and a slight wink.

"But why daddy?" The little girl questioned.

"Well, you have to let it go so it can find your wish." He answered.

"Why?"

"So it can tell your wish that you're looking for it."

Another seed wafted through the space between them. Concentration washed over the little girls face, and with a furrowed brow she wildly swiped at the taunting seed. In defiance, the seed slipped through her entwined fingers. She gave it another attempt, only to watch the dandelion dart passed her pressed palms.

"I can't catch it!" She whined with frustration.

He took her small hands in his and with a patient smile begrudgingly earned through experience he explained, "Well, the ones you can't catch are other peoples wishes. You don't want to stop them from getting their wish, do you?"

"No, i guess not." She relented.

And so they sat, watching the wishes fly by.

-------------------

Its been a while since i actually wrote in story form. Hopefully i didn't disappoint anyone who still reads this blog. But there's a reason why i wrote the story too. A little anecdote, if you will. I was working today, and it was a long, stressful day. I'm standing at a register when i noticed something out of the corner of my eye. Without thinking, i hold out my hand, and a small feather about the size of a quarter lands in the palm of my hand. Keep in mind, i'm inside. Strange, i know. So, i'm busy, and i decide to look at it later. I take a length of receipt paper, and carefully wrap up the feather stapling the sides so it won't fall out. I put it in my back pocket and promptly forgot about it.

Now, a few hours ago, i remembered it. I took out the paper, still stapled along the edges, and open it. And the feather is gone. Sure, i'm sure it just fell out or something, but it just reminded me of this story that i've always wanted to tell my imagined children. Who knows, maybe there's still a little magic left in the world. Maybe my feather is running off to tell my wish that i'm looking for it. There's nothing wrong with watching the wishes fly by.

Our lives are made in these small hours, these twists and turns of fate.
Little Wonders - Rob Thomas

Had a bad day

2007-08-05T18:42:00.000-05:00

I want to tuck this day away in the folds of forgotten memory. Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up...

I jammed my thumb throwing the football around during my family reunion. last week. Its not excruciating, mind you, its just a little pain, a lot of the time. On top of that, the air conditioning was broke again (and by again, i mean never fixed since the entire time i've worked for the company), so it was a balmy 88° in the store. And i'm on the cash registers, which happen to be surrounded by hot, sweaty strangers standing in line. I felt like i was in line for a ride at Six Flags sans the breezy outdoors. Apparently they've been trying to repair the AC for the last few days, but they won't be able to fix it anytime soon. The reason? ITS TOO HOT. How's that for paradoxical? (oh, i almost said irony, but i know better)

Well enough venting, i'm going to take a cold shower and try to finally relax.

Dream on, but don't imagine that they'll all come true
Vienna - Billy Joel

2007-07-12T05:47:00.000-05:00

I haven't been decidedly bitter recently. To be honest, i've been in a pretty good mood. But i came across this video, and couldn't help but smirk at it. Its funny, because its happened to me. (prolly to a lot of people). If you got some time, give it a look.

The Girlfriend Cycle

And i can't remember life before her name.
City Love - John Mayer

Random acts of kindness...

2007-07-11T02:33:00.000-05:00

I started today thinking it wasn't going to be all that great. First off, for the last few nights, i've been trying to find someone to watch the midnight premiere of Harry Potter. I've seen the previous four movies at their midnight performances. Three times with my ex (before she was my ex), and the last one with Megan. This time, however, i didn't have anything set in stone.

I spoke with Meg this last saturday and finally confirmed that she'd go see it with me at midnight. I went to go get tickets, and they were all sold out. (Story of my life). Then my old coworker, Angela, sent me a message inviting me to watch it with her brother and his girlfriend. Great! I let her know that i was interested and later found out that they never bought tickets either. (Story of my life).

I went to work today, and as soon as i got there my District Manager, Betsy, called for me. I spoke with her for about an hour about my pay cap. She spent most of the time trying to reassure me that i wasn't alone in this, and trying to get me to see the "corporate" side of things. Problem is: I already knew the corporate side. We went around and around the problem, and it eventually ended because she knew there wasn't anything she could say to dissuade me from my thoughts. So now i have to speak with the Human Resource manager. Which will prolly go the same way (Story of my life).

I finally get out on the sales floor, and start ringing out these two customers who are wearing Harry Potter shirts. Naturally, i assume they're gonna watch the midnight show and start talking about how i wasn't going to be able to. As they were leaving, i half-jokingly say, " Well, if your friend cancels, or you find a spare ticket, feel free to gimme a call up here at Old Navy. My names's Rian."

Two hours later, i got a call.

"Thank you for calling South County Old Navy. This is Rian, how can i help you?", I answered.

"Ohmigawd, just the person i wanted to talk to.", she exclaimed. "I was up there earlier, do you remember me? We were talking about Harry Potter?"

"Katherine? Jami?", I asked.

"You remember my name!"

"Of course i do, you two are my last hope.", i laughed.

Well, it turned out that they came across some other people up there who had a spare ticket. And Jami went through the trouble to find Old Navy's phone number and offer it up to me. Which means, i got to see Harry Potter for the fifth time (and everytime thus far) on opening night. All because of a random stranger wanted to be nice. (definitely NOT the story of my life).

Regardless of the momentary awkwardness of watching Harry Potter with people i just met, i had an incredible time. Everyone was really friendly. There were even movie-goers (smart harry potter guy) who read trivia questions to the theater while we were waiting for the movie to start. Even a rendition of Potter Puppet Pals performed by an enthusiastic group of girls.

Not everyone was enjoyable though. There was this (10 yr old?) kid sitting next to me who was so annoying Ghandi would've slapped him. Obnoxious, immature, you name it... he was it. He came about 9 hours in advance to be the first in line. Most memorable experience? He turned to me and asked me what the full name of the movie was and Jami looked right into his 10yr old eyes and shouted, "ARE YOU SHITTING ME?!!?" Simply classic.

Anyways, long story short: It was a good night.

If we can make it through tonight we'll see the sun.
March On - Good Charlotte

Explanation or Excuse?

2007-06-14T04:32:00.000-05:00

Yes, i'm writing a blog. Go ahead, let the surprise wash over you. I'll wait until the initial shock disperses.

I've hit another slump/funk. For the last few weeks, i've been letting everything get to me. Work, family, friends... I'm usually adept at keeping my emotions under lock and key. But lately, it feels like my temper is cocked and loaded and i feel like taking a shot at anyone who passes through my field of vision. So i've been trying to keep away from everyone. So yeah, sorry everyone.

What's worse, is that i really don't know what is setting me off this time. I'd like to attribute it to my job (which is keeping me stressed), but i don't think its entirely my work's fault.

Well, since i don't even remember what i intended to blog about, i'm cutting this one short. I didn't even really feel like talking anyways...

Never seem to get in the place that i belong
Letting the Cables Sleep - Bush

Chivalry isn't dead...

2006-12-24T20:39:00.000-06:00

...its just dormant.

Today at work, a customer locked her keys in her car. So she called her family to have them drop off her spare. Of course this happens to her ten minutes to closing time on Christmas Eve. And of course they happen to live in Balwin. I think it was the stress or frustration that made her start crying at that point. So, I offered to stay with her until her ride came. I even brought her a cookie that Lexi's mom made (those cookies were heaven btw).

So, she looks at me and says, " And here i thought chivalry was dead."

I replied, "Its not dead... its just dormant."

Which brings me to the point of this story.

---------
Being a Gentleman.

1) Hold the door for her in buildings, and open the car door for her. (just because you can use your remote to unlock your car, doesn't mean you don't have to open the door)

2) If she's cold, don't just offer your coat, physically take it off and put it around her shoulders.

3) Walk a girl to her car, especially if its dark. Make sure that her car starts as well. The last thing you want to do is leave a girl alone in a dark parking lot.

4) If you're walking down a street, keep yourself between the girl and any cars passing by. That way if a car jumps the curb, you're a buffer.

5) If she's upset or crying, comfort her.

And most importantly, this does not only apply to your girlfriend. It applies to every girl out there. One thing my family taught me was respect. So this is how i was raised. And i don't think it makes me any less of a man. In fact, i think it makes me more of one.

Btw, if i missed anything, feel free to write comment.

And we will send you reeling from decimated dreams
Welcome to the Black Paraade - My Chemical romance

What a fucking night

2006-11-26T04:51:00.000-06:00

Title says it all.

'Cause I'd rather feel pain that nothing at all.
Pain - Three Days Grace

Semantics make me wet

2006-11-15T21:25:00.000-06:00

I may have mentioned previously the situation i had with my car. Well, since then, i've been driving my cousin's old Saturn. When he dropped it off, he mentioned in passing that the car leaks a little, but it shouldn't be a big deal. Preoccupied, i just thanked him. I didn't even notice it leaking until today. What does it leak, you might ask?

Oil? Nope.

Radiator fluid? Try again.

Apparently, its not the car that leaks, but the windows. Sure, its just semantics, but there's a big difference. For instance, it just so happened to be raining today... heavy rain... constant... heavy... rain. I'm running just a little late for class, so i hurry through the rain, and hop in the driver's ~~seat~~ puddle. Yup. Wet ass, late for school. It was a great day.

Regardless, i did get my car back today. And after driving someone else's leaking car for a month, it sure is nice to be back in mine. I'm not going to jinx by talking about it though, so i'm just gonna end the blog here.

Sorry but i meant to say, many things along the way...
Ache - James Carrington

Hard Riddle - Post an answer if you think you know it.

2006-11-05T05:36:00.000-06:00

Here's a riddle that i saw posted on a bulletin. One of those "repost this and you'll get the answer". My guess is that it probably didn't work. But i know the answer. And i'll post it next week. (or i'll tell you if you guess it).

I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.

I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.

I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.

I turn pancakes brown
and make your champagne bubble.

If you squeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.

There is one word that can do all these things. What is it?

------------

Now you've might've heard this riddle, and maybe even heard a proposed answer. So i changed it a little to make sure there was only one real answer. On the bulletin, it says that 97% of Harvard Students couldn't figure it out, but 84% of kindergarten students figured it out in 6 minutes or less. I believe it.

Oh, and I know at least SOME people read my blog, so post a guess, or I won't answer it! Ha!

Hate is a strong word, but i really really really don't like you.
Hate - Plain White T's

In case you missed my bulletin

2006-10-29T07:43:00.000-06:00

Quick warning, if you don't like to read, or don't care about about your right to vote, just ignore this.

-----

On November 7th, vote. I'm not going to try and persuade you what to vote for... that's up to you. I'm sure everyone's seen or heard about amendment 3 (the smoking tax), or amendment 2 (stem cells), but do you really know anything about them? What about the possible Minimum wage increase (Prop B)? Yeah, me either. So i went ahead, and rounded up useful information for you. I even simplified too. Why? Because your special. (and i'm an insomniac with nothing better to do) All you have to do is read it.

All information is taken from MO's Secretary of State's Website.
(Click the link for a detailed listing, and full text if you're that interested)

Quick review:
(and by "quick", i mean concise... its still politics, and nothing's quick in politics)

Fair Ballot Language
(they mean: as easy as it gets for us to read)
----
Constitutional Amendment 2
(stem cells)

A "yes" vote will amend the Missouri Constitution to allow and set limitations on stem cell research, therapies, and cures which will:

- ensure Missouri patients have access to any therapies and cures, and allow Missouri researchers to conduct any research, permitted under federal law;

- ban human cloning or attempted cloning;

- require expert medical and public oversight and annual reports on the nature and purpose of any stem cell research;

- impose criminal and civil penalties for any violations; and

- prohibit state or local governments from preventing or discouraging lawful research, therapies and cures.

A "no" vote would not ensure that stem cell research permitted under federal law is allowed to be conducted in Missouri and that Missouri patients have access to stem cell therapies and cures permitted under federal law.

This measure will have no impact on taxes.

Constitutional Amendment 3
(tobacco)

A "yes" vote will amend the Missouri Constitution to create the Healthy Future Trust Fund. This Fund will be used to reduce and prevent tobacco use. The Fund also will be used to increase funding for healthcare access and treatment for eligible low-income Missourians and Medicaid recipients. In addition, it will pay for the cost of administering the fund.

Money for the Fund will be generated by a tax on tobacco products. The tax will be four cents per cigarette and twenty percent on other tobacco products.

This Fund will be maintained and kept separate from general revenue and it will be audited annually.

A "no" vote means a Healthy Future Trust Fund would not be created to reduce and prevent tobacco use or increase funding for healthcare access and treatment for eligible low-income Missourians and Medicaid recipients. And no additional tax would be imposed on tobacco products.

If passed, this measure will increase taxes on tobacco products.

Constitutional Amendment 6
(nonprofit organizations)

A "yes" vote will amend the Missouri Constitution to include a tax exemption for real and personal property that is used or held exclusively for nonprofit purposes or activities of veterans' organizations.

A "no" vote will not amend the Missouri Constitution to include a tax exemption for real and personal property that is used or held exclusively for nonprofit purposes or activities of veterans' organizations.

The measure, if passed, and if an exemption from taxation is subsequently enacted, will decrease taxes on real and personal property used or held exclusively for nonprofit purposes or activities of veterans' organizations.

Constitutional Amendment 7
(pension for politicians w/ felonies)

A "yes" vote will amend the Missouri Constitution to disqualify any statewide elected official, member of the General Assembly or state judge from receiving any pension from the state of Missouri if such official is convicted of a felony which occurred while in office. These officials will also be disqualified from receiving a pension if they are removed from office for misconduct or after impeachment. These restrictions shall apply after January 1, 2007.

This Proposition further changes provisions relating to the Missouri Citizens' Commission on Compensation for Elected Officials. The Constitution currently provides that every two years, a citizens commission determines the compensation for statewide elected officials, members of the General Assembly, and state judges based on their duties. The purpose of this commission is to ensure that the power to control the rate of compensation of elected officials is retained and exercised by Missouri taxpayers. This Proposition will prevent the General Assembly from changing the commission's recommended compensation schedule for elected officials through the appropriation process. Instead, the General Assembly will only be allowed to disapprove the commission's recommendations by a two-thirds majority vote. Members of the General Assembly cannot receive any compensation increase approved by the Citizens' Commission until January 1, 2009.

A "no" vote would allow payment of a pension from the state of Missouri to any statewide elected official, legislator or state judge who is convicted of a felony occurring while they were in office or who were removed from office for misconduct or following impeachment. The compensation schedule of statewide elected officials, legislators and state judges determined every two years by the Citizens' Commission would continue to be subject to change by the General Assembly through the appropriation process.

This measure will have no impact on taxes.

Proposition B
(minimum wage)

A "yes" vote will amend Missouri statutes to increase the state minimum wage rate to $6.50 per hour, or to the level of the federal minimum wage, whichever is higher. Every year thereafter, the state minimum wage rate will be adjusted based on changes in the Consumer Price Index.

A "no" vote will not increase or set a state minimum wage rate.

This measure will have no impact on taxes.

----------

If you've read this far, then obviously voting means something to you. So, pass it on to others. (I normally don't say that -- i hate chain bulletins) Like i said, it doesn't matter if you vote yes or no, just so long as you vote.

I do not agree with what you have to say, but i will defend to the death your right to say it
~Voltaire

Don't you see, I"m the narrator and this is just the prologue.
The Only Difference Between Martyrdom and Suicide is Press Coverage - Panic! at the Disco

No, it's not irony... it's "foreshadowing"

2006-10-15T01:33:00.003-05:00

My cousin Meghan, who i haven't seen for almost two years, is in town this weekend. So, i decided to take her out to sushi (a cuisine she was kind enough to introduce me to). Along with Meg came Sherri, who is my cousin's cousin, and yet, no relation. (it makes sense...just think about it).

I requested off work for tonight specifically for this purpose, and yet, there was still some kind of miscommunication. It seems, after much discussion, that the managers discerned that i was available to work, and scheduled me accordingly. So you can imagine my surprise when i got a phone call asking, "Where are you? You're scheduled at 3."

I'm a nice guy, and they were pretty short handed, so i called my cousin, postponed sushi until 9, and came in to work for a few hours. But I digress.

My other cousin dropped off Meg and Sherri at my work to save time, and we all headed out to the Drunken Fish.

"Yeah, I just got my car painted." I stated.

"Wow, it looks nice. How long have you had this car?" Sherri asked.

"Over 10 years now." I answered.

"And everything still runs fine, you don't have any problems with it?" Meghan questioned with disbelief.

"Some, but its still running great. Of course, you probably jinxed me so its probably going to break down on our way. I hope everyone's prepared to walk." I jokingly replied.

Well, you should be happy to know it didn't break down on the way to the Drunken Fish...

...It broke down after i dropped them off.

Your subtelties... They strangle me.
It Ends Tonight - The All-American Rejects

The moronic beauty of youth

2006-10-10T11:09:00.000-05:00

So my friend Krystan came by the other night to watch some tellie. (or whatever they call it in England -- she's somewhat-english). She brought with her the movie "Closer". Its incredibly well written, and truly believable for me by all accounts. It depicted relationships in the exact way that i've experienced them... with the other person cheating. There's the blind trust, then the accusations, the argument, and finally the truth. Lemme break down how the situations usually goes:

Girl and boy fall madly in love.
~experience bliss for a time~
Girl falls out of love with boy, and keeps it to herself.
Girl eventually meets someone else, and lies to herself about it being innocent.
~girl slowly forms a bond with new guy, while simultaneously distancing herself from old~
Boy feels something's wrong and/or paranoid, so he asks girl about it.
Girl denies everything.
~experience hell for a time~
Girl finally leaves boy. (telling boy about new guy is optional at this point)
Boy eventually finds out about new guy, and questions girl about him.
Girl denies everything.
~experience betrayal~
Everything ends badly.

What I can't fathom, is why she isn't just honest from the beginning. It doesn't make it any easier by drawing it out. For chris'sake, be a fucking adult and do what's morally ingrained in every human being as something right. Tell us the truth. Believe it or not, we're not stupid... we DO know if there's something wrong. And for the record, "Its not paranoia when you're fucking right." I'm not saying its going to be easy. Far from it, in fact. But that's a defining attribute in maturity. Sure, things'll prolly head south still, but maybe (just maybe), they'll still respect you when you arrive at your final conclusion. To quote a colloquialism: Sometimes the destinations isn't as important as how you get there. (well, i think that's a colloquialism)

And in a somewhat-related topic, I spoke with my co-worker last night. She was the going out with someone for over a year, and started seeing someone else... before breaking up with him -- Yeah, that sure sounds familiar). Anyways, it turns out that her new boyfriend broke it off with her. Who'd-a-thunk it, eh? I'd believe in karma, if i weren't so afraid of it raping my soul.

Though my eyes could see I still was a blind man... Though my mind could think i still was a mad man

The paradoxical haiku blog

2006-09-29T01:13:00.000-05:00

Life is too busy.
There's not even enough time-
To write a short blog.

I have the will to breathe you in while i can.
All the Same - Sick Puppies

2006-09-21T03:27:00.000-05:00

The results have been carefully tabulated (not by me, by the website), and here's what i've got so far. If you haven't done this for me yet, then you're no friend of mine. But don't worry, you can still contribute. Just click on the link at the bottom that says "contribute to Evytyn's". All you have to do is pick 5 or 6 adjectives that best describe me. I know what you're thinking:

"But Rian!!! You're such a great person... how could i just pick 5?!!11!?"

Sorry, can't help you there. You'll just have to make do. But seriously, apparently i'm intelligent and witty. Which happen to be the two traits women most often lie about wanting in a guy. That's a good thing. Also, a lot of people think i'm "Reflective". I still have no idea what that means, but thanks (i think). Trustworthy, and caring are also tied at 50%. Not sure which one of those'll win out. Although, there really aren't any negative adjectives, so i don't know how reliable this "Personality Mapping" really is. I'm sure people would've picked "Paranoid" or "Socially Inept" if they could've. Not to mention that if they were to put an "Asian" adjective on there, i'm thinking i'd be 100% (i'd hope so at least). Anyways, so yeah, if you haven't, contribute. (you can choose to be anonymous if you don't want me to know who said what)

Arena (known to self and others) complex, intelligent, introverted, knowledgeable, witty	Blind Spot (known only to others) caring, dependable, friendly, giving, helpful, idealistic, logical, loving, mature, reflective, searching, self-conscious, sentimental, silly, trustworthy, warm
Façade (known only to self)	Unknown (known to nobody) able, accepting, adaptable, bold, brave, calm, cheerful, clever, confident, dignified, energetic, extroverted, happy, independent, ingenious, kind, modest, nervous, observant, organised, patient, powerful, proud, quiet, relaxed, religious, responsive, self-assertive, sensible, shy, spontaneous, sympathetic, tense, wise

Dominant Traits

66% of people agree that Evytyn is intelligent
55% of people agree that Evytyn is witty

All Percentages

able (0%) accepting (0%) adaptable (0%) bold (0%) brave (0%) calm (0%) caring (44%) cheerful (0%) clever (0%) complex (22%) confident (0%) dependable (22%) dignified (0%) energetic (0%) extroverted (0%) friendly (11%) giving (33%) happy (0%) helpful (11%) idealistic (22%) independent (0%) ingenious (0%) intelligent (66%) introverted (11%) kind (0%) knowledgeable (11%) logical (11%) loving (11%) mature (11%) modest (0%) nervous (0%) observant (0%) organised (0%) patient (0%) powerful (0%) proud (0%) quiet (0%) reflective (44%) relaxed (0%) religious (0%) responsive (0%) searching (11%) self-assertive (0%) self-conscious (22%) sensible (0%) sentimental (33%) shy (0%) silly (11%) spontaneous (0%) sympathetic (0%) tense (0%) trustworthy (44%) warm (22%) wise (0%) witty (55%)

Created by the Interactive Johari Window on 11.12.2009, using data from 9 respondents.
You can make your own Johari Window, or view Evytyn's full data.

The world will never be the same... and you're to blame.
Hey There Delilah - Plain White Tee's

Luckily, Feb. 29th only comes once every 4 years

2006-09-19T01:17:00.001-05:00

Its past 2am... i have class tomorrow. And of course, i can't sleep. And on top of that, its setting in. I've always said that nightime is the hardest. You're alone with your thoughts, and there's nothing to keep yourself busy. Its been three weeks since i've spoke to Michelle. Three weeks since i saw her. And that's what is setting in... the realization. I guess i've been too mad at her to miss her. I always talk about the bitter things that's happened between us, but i know it wasn't all bad. I used to be a hopless romantic. Hell, maybe i still am sometimes. But it seems to be getting harder and harder.

She was funny, talented, beautiful. Perfect. I used to tell her, "Its like God put everything i ever wanted into someone, into you." She became more than my girlfriend, she became my best friend. She loved staying in, ordering Domino's, and kicking my ass in video games. She was a total fanatic for Lord of the Rings too. I took her to see every LotR movie and Harry Potter movie on opening day. I used to bring flowers to her work. No, not for any reason, just because i was thinking of her. I brought her flowers and chocolates, and usually i'd bring a single rose for every girl that worked with her. (Every girl deserves a rose once in awhile, don't they?) I talked her sister into unlocking her car so i could stuff her car with flowers for her birthday. Its taking the long way home, just to spend a few more minutes with her. I absolutely fell in love her.

She was studying Studio Art. She always talked about going down to Georgia after she finished her college classes to expand her portfolio, and we used to talk about what would happen if she moved down there. At the time, i wasn't sure how long my classes would take, but i knew we'd work something out. It was 29th of February when she mentioned it again. I was helping her finish an art project (having to do with a pepper), that it really hit me. I wanted to be with her. And if she moved down to GA, i'd still want to be with her, so i told her.

"Well, when i move away, i think it'll be a completely new experience. A chance to start fresh.", she said almost to herself.
"So this new life... does it include me?", i probed.
"Probably not.", she whispered carefully.

We talked, we cried, and slowly the night crawled by. By the end of the conversation, i needed to hear her tell me. To tell me to forget about all the memories, about all the plans we made, the future that i stubbornly held onto in the back of my obstinately optimistic mind. And she did. She told me to "let it go..."

I found out later that she was cheating on me. And even though that changed how i viewed her, it never changed how i felt about her. It couldn't change that i fell in love with her. I've always said that the what i loved about her, was the way she made me feel about myself. She made me feel important, desirable, invincible. I know that she's changed, and i know that the person who was everything i wanted in a girl, is someone i can never get back.

Its always worst for me at night, i get way too introspective. I miss the girl who was always there for me, i miss taking her out to dinner, taking her to see movies. Who am i supposed to see Harry Potter with now? I guess its time to rely on myself. I should have remembered that from New York. It took her breaking my heart again to realize it. She let me go a long time ago. I know its my turn now.

Letting you go... Goodbye.

Salt-n-Pepa didn't work at Old navy

2006-09-18T04:48:00.000-05:00

Taking a page from Chris, here's a little excerpt of a typical day at work. The following was just a conversation between all the coworkers on those nifty little headsets/walkies that we wear.

Coworker 1 (as she cleans the maternity section): I can't stand pregnant people. Why do they have to be so messy?!!?

Me: Yeah, I don't like them either... but for different reasons.

Coworker 2: Like what? Because they think that they have a right to be bitchy?

Me: Actually, its because they're just so damn smug. Its like they're advertising that they've had sex. "Hey! Look at me! I've had sex... and here's the proof!"

Manager: Rian, can I talk to you for a second?

Apparently, "Sex talk on the walkie" = Inappropriate.

Lesson learned.

All of this is more than I've ever known or seen
Nothing Left to Lose - Mat Kearney

The River's run dry

2006-09-14T02:35:00.001-05:00

So i was coming home from class today, and on a whim, i decided to check what was playing on the radio. I pushed the first preset (which is The River), and some 80's madonna was playing.

"Um... ok, must be in some kinda retro kick." I said aloud.

"Thanks for listening to the Move... at 101.1..."

what... the... fuck.

Nowhere have i heard about this. Sure, maybe i didn't listen to the radio all that much, but i know it hasn't been that long. That station's been around for a while now, and its strange to see that its gone. Sure, some of the music was a bit... repetitive, but its not the music i'm gonna miss. Its flipping through the stations when nothing's playing, and hearing their DJ's, Vic Porcelli and Trish Gazall. Those two have been a staple in my drive home for awhile. And Porcelli's Deli? I was placing orders on that back in High School. And i'm almost gonna miss hearing Vic's little daughter signing him off of the radio.

Its amazing how something seemingly insignificant leaves a mark on you. And its strange to see something that's been around for so long suddenly dissappear. But i guess you can't stop change. So long Vic and Trish... no more Porcelli's Deli, no more Trish's Trash. Good luck to whatever stations you might end up.

We're the therapists pumping through your speakers, delivering just what you need.
Sophmore Slump or Comeback of the Year - Fall Out Boy

If you follow coincidence far enough...

2006-08-29T04:33:00.000-05:00

The story starts over a decade ago when he last saw her, which was his fault completely (of course). He was a reckless youth back then, and never meant to hurt her. And like most teenaged relationships, it failed. In the end, he did hurt her (of course). Time changes everyone though, and those experiences that you regret, you learn from. He lived, loved, and learned. And with time he changed... (of course).

The story continues with him knocking her door. It was coincidence that led him here. A random message from half-a-country away invited him to visit.

"Hello, again.", he said as he offered her flowers. "A peace offering. Better late than never, right?", he smiled.

A reconciliatory note in the flowers read:
"Its easier to beg forgiveness than to ask for permission."

"So, you forgive me right?", he continued to joke.

"Of course i do. I already told you that on the phone", she quipped back.

Through the night, they shared their history. Each followed the other's story like threads through a tapestry. It wound through joys, and weaved through heartaches.

"When I wrote that its eaiser to beg forgiveness than to ask for permission, it was supposed to be a joke to break the ice.", he explained. "But honestly, I am sorry."

"And i told you before that I..."

"No, this time it isn't for you.", he interrupted. "I should've been there for you back then. You needed me. And what's more, you could've been there for me. Who knows what might've happened. Who knows how it might've turned out. No, this time I'm sorry for myself. Its an awful twist of irony to regain something you've lost, only to find out you might've lost something more."

She turned away, lost in thought.

"So forgive me.", he begged.

"This time, for what?", she asked as she turned back to face him.

And he kissed her.

And the story continues on... (of course).

-----------------------

While this story isn't entirely true, i've been wanting to blog something ever since i came back from my trip to California. The problem is that the only time i feel motivated to blog, is when i'm depressed, or pensive. And to be honest, i really haven't been too much of either lately.

There's a lot more i want to write about. Funny stuff. (funny haha, not funny hoho). And its mostly about my california trip. The problem is, I have to work today, not to mention class on wednesday, so i'm not sure when i'll have time. (and its already 5:30 in the morning). So, it'll have to wait for another time. At least you got a story out of it, right?

I'm holding on to you, holding on to me
All I Need - Mat Kearney

The Setting Sun

2006-08-09T03:08:00.000-05:00

I've always been drawn to the west, and i've never known why. Maybe its the mountains, or the ocean. There were plenty of times i've tried to travel that out that way, but it always seems to fall through at the last minute. Not today. The sun's rising to the east, and it'll meet me in the west when it sets.

There's a lot to do, and plenty of people to meet out there. And i'd be lying if i said i wasn't a little anxious. I've even thought of cancelling. But i said to myself, "Self, trust me, you really don't want to look back at this moment and regret not going. Who knows what's out west. Have fun, and no regrets."

And honestly, i can be pretty persuasive when i want to be. In the end, i just had to agree with myself. So for the next week, i'll be out west. Finally.

There are secrets that we still have left to find...
The Riddle (You and I) - Five for Fighting

Come What(ever) May

2006-07-25T02:10:00.000-05:00

Darkness quickly fell on the town like a tossed blanket settling on an unmade bed. An upstart wind tousled his hair leaving bits of leaves and dust in its wake. He hurried to his car as the first forerunners of rain touched the recently sunny street. And all at once, the storm arrived. Winshield wipers were all but useless against the sheets of water that battered his windows. The beacon of two red tail lights were his only guide past the parked cars and haphazardly scattered trees.

Lightning strobed in the sky, and a moment later the city mirrored it. Electricity fled the city as lightning fled the clouds. Darkness faded to black. And in the interim night, the sky waged war with ground.

---------------

There was a super cell storm that hit quite suddenly last wednesday. Trees were uprooted. Don't worry, the trees are fine... the power lines broke their fall. Something like 500,000 people lost power. I didn't get power back until Sunday. There are still some people who don't have electricity. Let's not forget to throw a heat index of 100 in there as well. But there's some good in this. One bar & grill owner, seeing that power wouldn't be restored any time soon, decided to take out all of his food from his freezer, barbeque it, and proceeded to give it all away to anyone who wanted it.

Not to mention the night sky is so much more brilliant without the city lights drowning them out. I went to bed early on more than one occasion. (anyone who knows me knows that's rare). And while candlelight provides great ambience, its not such a great lightsource. For example:

Playing Piano by candlelight: good
Reading by candlelight:   not so good
Showering by candlelight:   good
Shaving by candlelight:   decidedly not so good

Anyways, thanks to all my friends who offered/did shelter me.

But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head.
Through Glass - Stone Sour

Another day...

2006-07-18T01:48:00.001-05:00

-this image was shamelessly borrowed from an incredibly funny (and twisted) webcomic: The Perry Bible Fellowship

You tell yourself that the things you need come slow, but inside you just don't know.
My, My, My - Rob Thomas

Christopher Robin

2006-07-16T02:23:00.001-05:00

"I'm formed, and you're not. You have changes to go through." He explained. "And I'll be Winnie the Pooh to your Christopher Robin."

"No literary reference left unturned," she quipped. "How do you figure, Pooh?"

"Christopher Robin outgrew Pooh. That's how it ended. He had Pooh when he was a child, and when he matured, he didn't need him anymore."

"That's the saddest thing I ever heard," she replied.

"Yeah, but its true. And...", he paused. "I can't be a Pooh."

--------------

While i can't claim credit for this conversation (its from a movie), i do share its sentiment. I've been a Pooh to so many Christopher Robin's, that i might as well have a honey jar stuck on my nose. No longer. I need someone formed. I'm moving out of the hundred acre wood. Its a nice place to visit, but i wouldn't want to live there.

"Christopher Robin was going away. Nobody knew why he was going; nobody knew where he was goin; indeed, nobody even knew why he knew that Christopher Robin was going away. But somehow or other everybody in the Forest felt that it was happening at last."

-A. A. Milne's "The House at Pooh Corner"

I'm just out to find the better part of me.
Superman - Five for Fighting

Stop being an enabler!

2006-07-07T01:02:00.000-05:00

Anyone seen this bulletin?

So Called Friend

No offense but we all got them...People are getting too silly on here. So I gave in, let's see who will actually repost this. This is a test to see who's paying attention. This is a test to see how many people in my friends list actually pay attention to me. Copy and repost in your own bulletin. Lets see who the true friends are and I think I know who you are... Repost this if you are a friend.. Don't reply... just copy and paste this in a new bulletin as " So-called friend..." keep it going.

-------

I can't count how many times i've seen people post this damn bulletin. (that's a lie, its been 14). What really bothers me is how it specifically states to repost it as a bulletin. And apparently, you're not a true friend if you don't repost. Seriously, if you're trying to find out who you're true friends are, wouldn't a simple "reply" suffice? Hell, shouldn't you already know who you're true friends are?

Lets not forget about the E-chain letter bulletins too. My most recent favorite is the one where you make a wish, and then you'll get a phone call after you repost. And of course there's the testimonials praising the validity of it. One actually said:

"I'm 22, and i got a phone call 22 minutes later. It was the boy i had a crush on!! I can't believe it! Coincidence? You be the judge."

Hrmm... ok, lets think about this for a second. If the wish doesn't come true until AFTER you repost the message, how can you repost it saying it came true? wtf.

And of course, there's the ones that threaten you with a curse to do their bidding.

"If you don't send this to 5 people in the next 5 minutes, you'll have 5 years of bad sex!!!"

Listen, i'll happily take 5 years of "bad sex" over the "no sex" i've been getting. That's a win-win situation.

Don't get me wrong, i like bulletins. As long as they pass some sort of useful information. Surveys? Fine. Invitations? Sure. Hell, even a funny website or joke would be acceptable. I understand that most bulletins are a ploy to see how long they keep themselves in circulation, but enough is enough. If we keep sending these things, they're gonna keep going around. Stop the enabling!

Maybe i'm the only that hates these things. Anyways, my rant is over. I'll stop bitching. By the way, if you enjoyed this post, copy/paste it into a bulletin and send it to all your friends. If you don't, you'll have 5 years of bad sex followed by 2 years of even worse sex. Oh, and you won't be a true friend.

(i'm kidding)

When someone loses, someone wins. When something ends, something begins.
Its Just the End of the Road - Matt Goss

Hate Me

2006-06-29T01:34:00.001-05:00

It was one-fourty-three in the morning when the black eclipse pulled into the playground's parking lot. The engine: idle; the headlights: off. Lightning played from cloud to cloud afraid to touch the ground. A street light flickered in competition with the lightning, and in its fluorescence, he sat writing in his journal.

There was something wrong. He felt a breakdown bordering on the boundaries of his mind. And there wasn't anything he could do to stop it. So there he sat, waiting... writing...

"Sometimes, there's beauty in the breakdown."

--------------------------------

Everyone's crazy. But its okay because everyone hides it. I thought i was past some of my craziness. Apparently i'm not. I heard some news about my ex. Its trivial, and none of my business. And yet, i'm not sure how i should feel. I'm split with two opposing feelings... and i shouldn't be. I thought i was past this part. I should be, right? I've been distracting myself until i got to a point where i want to be. I'm tired of the distraction. I just want to move on.

I have to block out thoughts of you, so I don't lose my head.
Blue October - Hate Me

Here's my take on the Myspace surveys:

2006-06-13T02:17:00.001-05:00

Question 1:

Do you like taking surveys?

-No

~fin~

You left me to remain with all your excuses for everything
Santa Monica - Theory of a Deadman

Innocence found

2006-05-31T16:11:00.001-05:00

So, i'm working the other day, when i notice a little 3 or 4 yr old boy sitting in a cart. His mother is nearby looking through a clearance section. I smile and say hello to him, at which point he sees me, points his finger at me, and says, "Mom, mom, look at his eyes!"

"..."

How does one respond to that? And you know, its not like this was an isolated incident. The week before, this little kid was sitting at my register while i was ringing up his parent's sale. After a little while he looked up at me, and emphatically stated, "I saw a chinese person yesterday!!"

Humoring him, i replied, "Really? Where did you see him?"

"At the restraurant! He brought us our food!"

"..."

Honestly though, i admire them. They say exactly what's on their mind without any preconceptions of what is right or wrong. That's innocence embodied.

Which brings me to my favorite story about children noticing i'm different. My nephew Markis has a mixed heritage of african and asian decent. When he was quite younger, i was putting him to sleep. He looked up at me and touched the sides of my eyes and asked, "Uncle Rian, why are your eyes different than mine?"

"Because Marki, we're all a little different, and that's how my eyes look."

"When i get older, i wanna be just like you then."

...ah, innocence.

You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
Daniel Powter - Bad Day

Hectic is as hectic does

2006-05-29T23:16:00.001-05:00

I've been busy. And that couldn't be more of an understatement. That's like saying i've tried rice before. Huge understatement. Anyways, my days have been filled with the relentless tedium of work, while my nights are saturated with insomnia. So, couple my restlessness with the stress that comes with working retail during Memorial Day Weekend, and i've all but hit my breaking point.

That's not to say i haven't had some time off. On the contrary, i've seen more movies within the last week than i have since January. Which allows me to segue into an interesting story.

So its last thursday, Megan's in need of a laugh, so we decide to go and see a 10:30 showing of "Over the Hedge" at Ronnies 20. When we get there, we are both kinda surprised to find out that there's a midnight showing of X-men 3. So, after asking about availability, i buy us 2 tickets. There we are waiting in line when Michelle, my ex, and her boyfriend come walking up to wait behind us. Ok, i did find out previously that she was planning on watching the midnight showing, but to be directly behind us? It was 10:30, the movie didn't begin untill midnight. I was trapped in a twisted maze of movie-goers. It was awkward. And i don't just mean "uncomfortable" awkward... i mean "watching porn with your parents" awkward. Yeah, that was me.

Now, i was mature, i didn't say or do anything that could be construed as impolite. I even offered up a way they could watch it in the "mega-screen" theater, despite not having tickets for it. And where, do they choose to sit? Next to us. So, in hindsight, probably not the best idea.

But hey, i got to see X3 at midnight, so it was all worth it. I enjoyed it more than i did Davinci Code. That's not to say i didn't enjoy it though. Its a well made movie. Oh, and to all those Religious Critics who are ranting about how the movie is trying to undermine religion:

Enjoy the movie for what it is, its just a story. Its interesting, suspenseful, and well-written, but its still just a story...

...just like the bible.

Ok, i'm kidding. Don't start flaming me here. I was just kidding. Everyone knows the bible wasn't really well-written. (just kidding again... relax). Honestly though, people are gonna believe what they want to believe. So if they really want to believe the Davinci Code's story, then let them... who am i to say what they believe in is right or not? Alright, enough blogging. I'm gonna try and get more than four hours sleep. I'm taking next week off. I need a vacation.

I'm old enough to see behind me... but young enough to feel my soul.
Lenny Kravitz - Can't get you off my mind

It's always have and never hold

2006-05-09T00:19:00.000-05:00

I sat staring silenty at this little three inch by three inch card, wondering how i could write everything in it. There are so many things i want to tell her, but i can't... so many things i should tell her... but i won't. Too much to fit in such a small square-ish card. Just too much. Maybe i had enough foresight to buy a small card because i knew i shouldn't put anything meaningful in it. In the end, i simply wrote: "Happy Birthday."

Its only two words, but those words are the bulwark leveeing my thoughts. She'll never know how much thought i invested into those two words. Maybe its for the best... for everyone.

If I don't say this now, I will surely break
Look After You - The Fray

A little light-natured

2006-04-24T02:10:00.000-05:00

"He was as ugly as he was homeless."

"I wish my grass was emo so it woud cut itself."

Funniest lines i've heard all week.

I tried to be chill, but you're so hot that i melted
Jason Mraz - I'm Yours

Being completely candid

2006-04-12T19:11:00.001-05:00

Main Entry: candid
Pronunciation: 'kan-d&d
Function: adjective

3 a : marked by honest sincere expression b : indicating or suggesting sincere honesty and absence of deception c : disposed to criticize severely
----------------

Mrs. Gruener stood in front of her third grade class. One of the few teachers at the catholic school, St. Francis, who wasn't a nun. Her curly blond hair had wisps of grey starting to show, not that she cared. Her focus was her students. It has always been about her students.

"So class, we're talking about careers now. Does anyone know what they want to be when they grow up?", Mrs. Gruener quizzed. "How about you, John?"

John smiled as he eagerly stood up. "I want to be a famous soccer player.", he burst forth in short breath.

"Oh of course you do. I've seen you playing at recess, you're very good.", she encouraged.

Mrs. Gruener attention turned to a small girl at the front when she asked, "And how about you Dana?"

Shyly, Dana replied without even getting up, "I'd like to be a doctor."

"Oh, a doctor!", the teacher emphatically responded. "You'll have to study hard for that, but you're very smart. I know you'll do well."

Seeing a quiet boy at the back of the class, she tested to see if he was paying attention, "And how about you, Rian?"

He whispered back.

Straining to hear, Mrs. Gruener asked, "I'm sorry, could you repeat that?"

Linda, the teacher's pet, quickly spoke up. "He said that he only knows what he doesn't want to be, Mrs. Gruener.", she said with an almost smug grin on her face.

"Oh, really? And would would that be, Rian?", the teacher asked back.

Seriousness shown in his slightly slanted eyes. With earnest, the third grader simply said, "I don't want to be my Dad."

---------

My greatest fear is becoming my father. I can't help but wonder if i am...

I am the mess you chose, the closet you cannot close... The devil in you i suppose.
Staind - Everything Changes

M.E. + T.

2006-04-01T02:14:00.001-06:00

Once there was a tree...
and she loved a little boy.

And every day the boy would come
and he would gather her leaves
and make them into crowns and play king of the forest.

He would climb up her trunk
and swing from her branches
and eat apples.

And they
would play
hide-and-go-seek.
And when
he was tired,
he would sleep
in her shade.
And the boy loved the tree...
very much.
And the tree was happy.

But time went by.
And the boy grew older.
And the tree was often alone.

Then one day the boy came to the tree
and the tree said, "Come, Boy, come and climb
up my trunk and swing from my branches
and eat apples and play in my shade
and by happy."
"I am too big to climb and play," said the boy.
"I want to buy things and have fun.
I want some money.
Can you give me some money?"
"I'm sorry," said the tree, "but I have no money.
I have only leaves and apples.
Take my apples, Boy, and sell them
in the city. Then you will have money
and you will be happy."

And so the boy climbed up the
tree and gathered
her apples
and carried them away.

And the tree was happy.

But the boy stayed away
for a long time..
and the tree was sad.
And then one day
the boy came back
and the tree shook with joy
and she said, "Come, Boy,
climb up my trunk
and swing from my branches
and be happy."
"I am too busy to climb trees,"
said the boy.
"I want a house to keep me warm,"
he said.
"I want a wife and I want children,
and so I need a house."
"I have no house, " said the tree.
"The forest is my house,
but you may cut off my branches
and build a house.
Then you will be happy."

And so the boy cut off
her branches
and carried them away
to build his house.

And the tree was happy.

But the boy stayed away
for a long time.
And when he came back,
the tree was so happy
she could hardly speak.
"Come, Boy," she whispered,
"come and play."
"I am too old and sad to play,"
said the boy.
"I want a boat that will
take me far away
from here.
Can you give me a boat?"
"Cut down my trunk
and make a boat,"
said the tree.
"Then you can sail away...
and be happy."

And so the boy cut down her trunk
and made a boat and sailed away.

And the tree was happy...

but not really.

And after a long time
the boy came back again.
"I am sorry, Boy,"
said the tree, "but i have nothing
left to give you-
My apples are gone."
"My teeth are too weak
for apples," said the boy.
"My branches are gone,"
said the tree. "you
cannot swing on them-"
"I am too old to swing
on branches," said the boy.
"My trunk is gone," said the tree.
"You cannot climb-"
"I am too tired to climb," said the boy.
"I am sorry," sighed the tree.
"I wish that i could
give you something...
but i have nothing left. I am just
an old stump. I am sorry..."

"I don't need very much now,"
said the boy,
"just a quiet place to sit and rest.
I am very tired."
"Well," said the tree,
straightening herself up
as much as she could,
"well, an old stump is good
for sitting and resting.
Come, Boy, sit down.
Sit down and rest."

And the boy did.

And the tree was happy.

-----------

When i was younger, the book-mobile used to come to my school. They would park it right outside the doors to St. Francis. And i would wait in line for a chance to climb those steps to get inside. And i would always look for the big, bright green book that had this story.

Looking back and reading this story, i can't help but wonder if there's a moral to the story. Perhaps is a parent's story of self-sacrificing love. Or a person's unconditional love for another. Maybe its a lesson in patience. Should i even draw parallels to life?

I've been told that i tend to overthink sometimes. So for now, i'll just believe its a story about a boy and a tree, and leave it as my childhood favorite.

Its hard to explain how a few precious things seem to follow througout all our lives
Kenny Loggins - Return to Pooh Corner

In a funk... Funk's a word, right?

2006-03-23T15:45:00.001-06:00

I actually went and looked up funk, just to make sure it accurately described my state of mind. And rather than link the page, i went ahead and posted what i found. (I know how lazy some of you guys are).

¹funk
1 : to be afraid of : DREAD
2 : to shrink from undertaking or facing

²funk
1 a : a state of paralyzing fear b : a depressed state of mind
2 : one that funks : COWARD

³funk
1 : music that combines traditional forms of black music (as blues, gospel, or soul) and is characterized by a strong backbeat
2 : the quality or state of being funky

I think i'm more of a ²funk 1b with maybe some ¹funk 2 mixed in. Besides working, I haven't been up to much lately. A friend once told me that i need drama. Maybe they're right. Maybe i need drama in my life to make it feel like i'm actually living. Maybe I need conflict in my life. Maybe adversity is my muse. Maybe i'm just overthinking.

In fact, the only thing that has a hint of drama of it lately, is Michelle. And the only thing there to twinge my interest, is that i found out she skipped class to spend the day with Tim. She's done this before with Chris and Greg by the way. She's never done it for me though. And normally, i'd go off on some rant about how i never got special treatment with her. But honestly? I'm used to all of this. I'm used to what Michelle puts me through. Any drama that i contribute to Michelle has become my "normal".   I haven't even really talked with Michelle lately, but we both knew that was going to happen. Its not like things were going to stay the same between us.

I think the poignant bitterness that tainted my mind has dulled some. Honestly, over the last month or so, my mind has been a pendulum, swinging back and forth over relationships.   I've been bitter. I've wanted to find someone. I've stopped trying.

Now keep in mind, i'm not lonely. Far from it. I just miss having that spark. Its like when you first start seeing someone, you can't help but think about them. Calling them just to hear their voice, or just to let them know you're thinking of them. I miss the spark.

I've realized though, that you can't just create a spark, it has to happen of its own volition.   So, once again, i've realized that its just better off being single. I'll keep my eye out for a spark, but i'm not looking for it anymore. And i won't be so bitter that i wouldn't be receptive. So until then, I have other plans.

I've neglected a lot of my friends as of late, and i'm going to try and spend some time making it up to them. I got a card from my friend Krystan. Apparently she's in England. I'm such a great friend, that i had no idea she left for England. wtf.   So, whenever she gets back, i'm gonna make sure i hang out with her. I'm gonna try and head over to my buddy Mike's house a few times a week. And i'm going to make some time for Ashley too. I meant it when i said i wanted to stay friends with her. Now only if i could find someone to go out and eat sushi with me.

Also, i've been doing some searching around Myspace. And its amazing how many people have a profile. I've found over 10 profiles of people i work with at Old Navy. That's unsettling. If i can find them, they could find me. I don't want to get dooced. Besides, people at work think i'm very two-dimensional. I wouldn't want them thinking i have any depth to my personality.

Forgive me if I st-stutter from all of the clutter in my head
Teddy Geiger - Confidence

...find comfort in pain.

2006-03-12T22:53:00.000-06:00

Ok, i don't think i've explained my current situation with my ex, Michelle, quite fully enough. At least not enough to go into the story i want to tell tonight. So lets get through some backstory real quick (and by real quick, i mean an excruciating long time filled with useless details and overly-descriptive sentences). Like i've always said, this blog is for me... its cool if you don't feel like reading (ie: endure the torture of) it.

If you've read my blogs, then you should already know how Michelle betrayed my trust on more than one occasion. And each time sent me sailing through a sea of self-deprication. I went to New York to "find myself", and surprisingly, it worked. I deserved better. So i cut Michelle out of my life.

Things were good for a while. And by God's twisted sense of humor, i ran into Michelle at the mall. I exchanged quick pleasantries, and continued on my way. I recieved several messages from her the following days. Apologies for her past behavior. Bereft beseechments of friendship. I gave in.

~small segue here~
If you haven't read my blogs, then right about now you're asking, "why give her another chance?" The short answer is, I think if a part of me gave up on her... it would be like i was giving up on myself. I have a hard time trusting, but i do want to trust again. If i were to just ignore her, i'd be giving up on a chance of learning to trust again.
~segue's over~

I decided to give her another chance at friendship. In case you're wondering why friendship and not a relationship? Because both Michelle and I know how that would end. Its hard to admit, but there's no way we would ever work out in that aspect. The only thing left for us is friendship. During this time, she started talking to Tim. Tim was her very first boyfriend (I was her second). When asked, she insisted that she didn't want a relationship with Tim. I knew her better than that. And after a long conversation she admitted her interest in him. So she lied to me again.

Now don't think i'm crazy here. Yes, i know her relationships aren't any of my business. I gave her another chance at friendship because she swore to be honest with me from now on. What's worse is that it wasn't anything she needed to hide from me.

"I didn't want to tell you because i thought you'd be hurt.", she defended.

"The only way you can hurt me Michelle, is by trying not to.", I whispered back.

(which btw, is the reason for the huge rant/venting a few blogs ago... i felt betrayed again... and stupid for letting it happen)

But after talking to a good friend who sometimes supplies good advice, I realized that if i wanted to keep Michelle in my life, i had to accept her bad qualities with her good. Which leads finally to what i wanted to write about.

I was working today, and Tim came through my line. We have never actually met, but i knew him through pictures, and he knew me through reputation (not too many Filipinos named Rian in St Louis). I didn't even have time to react. Before i knew it, i rang up his sale, and he was gone.

Then later tonight, Michelle stops by and tells me that Tim asked her out. I can't remember the last time she was honest and forthcoming with me. So now is the true test. Its tough to stay friends with an ex as they start a relationship with someone else. Honestly though, i don't have any ill feelings towards Tim. From what i know of him (though other people), he's a decent guy. He's never wronged me, and I'm actually happy for them both.

Actually, this will probably be for the best. In the coming days/weeks, Michelle will be wrapped up in the new relationship. I doubt i'll hear much from her, which'll make dealing with it easier. With all honesty, i'm envious. I want someone I can be wrapped up in. Someone who'll occupy my thoughts. Someone who i just can't get out of my brain.

I only hope that i can keep this outlook. I know i'll feel slight pangs of jealousy when i think about them. And i'm sure there will be times i'll make mental comparison between my old relationship and their new one. I know i'm not perfect. I'm allowed to make mistakes. Its how we learn.

How I wish I could surrender my soul
James Blunt - Tears and Rain

Begins with an " I " and ends with a "nsomnia"

2006-03-06T05:12:00.000-06:00

His fingers cast a silhouette across his keyboard from the two 60-watt "Reveal" lightbulbs berating him from above. The cursor on his screen monotonously blinked in and out of existence. There wasn't much of anything on his mind except the perplexed musings of why he couldn't fall asleep. Was it the curse of constantly active mind? Did the pressures of life weigh too heavily on his shoulders? Was he truly an insomniac?

"I wish I knew why I couldn't sleep.", he sighed as he finished off his seventh Mountain Dew of the night.

---------------

Damn, i'm tired. Its five-thirty in the morning, and i want to go to bed. I have to get up in four hours to work. Yay. Apparently some corporate exec's are coming to visit this week, so Old Navy's been working everyone constantly to get the store looking up to par. They're even allowed to give overtime to anyone who wants it. I was actually thinking of taking them up on the offer, but i have a feeling i know what's gonna happen. They're going to use up payroll hours to get the store looking nice, and then start cutting hours at the end of the week to compensate. What's that mean? It means after the visit on Wednesday, we're gonna be short-staffed. I am really not looking forward to post-humpday.

Anyways, i've been using work as an excuse to procrastinate. I still haven't paid my bills. I still haven't worked out my cell phone bill with Tmobile. I've been neglecting most of my friends (sorry Krystan, sorry Ashton, sorry Ashley). I still haven't bought my plane ticket.

~small segue here~

I actually have more money than i'm used to having (yay tax return!), so i did go looking at plane tickets. Unfortunately, airline prices inflate faster than gas prices (especially when the flight is under two weeks time). So, i might have to rethink this trip. Don't bitch at me Chris, i said rethink not cancel. I might do a roadtrip instead if i can find some people to come with. Flying just costs too much at this point.

Ok, so now i'm starting to get tired. I'm going to lay down so i can be really tired come tomorrow morning.

Think I'll have another glass of Mexican wine.

All will be well

2006-02-28T20:33:00.001-06:00

And all will be well
Even after all the promises you've broken to yourself.
All will be well
You can ask me how but only time will tell.

Those are lyrics from my new profile song (go listen to it if you haven't yet). Why haven't any of you told me about this band yet? I thought we were friends. I'm pretty much a sucker for any song that has piano in it. That's prolly why i like Augustana's Boston (which was on my profile a little while ago... go look them up and listen to their song right now too... go ahead. I'll wait).

Here's the link for you people too lazy to do a search: Augustana (listen to Boston).

Seriously, go listen. I'm waiting.

Ok, so whatcha think? Be honest. I should probably give credit to Ashley R (from SIUE) for introducing me to Augustana. They're gonna be playing here in St. Louis soon too. Down at Blueberry Hill on March 2nd. I was actually considering going, but i never got into the whole music scene. Who knows, maybe i will. But anyways, the reason why i mention Augustana is because i saw a commercial for the WB, and that song was on there. (yes, i watch WB... but just for Smallville and Supernatural.)

So yeah, let me know what you think of these songs. Go ahead and let me know if my taste in music is terrible. And while you're commenting, did anyone happen to notice that i started including the singer and song along with my little Italic song lyric at the bottom of my blogs? Think i should keep that up, or stay with the "mysterious song quote" without any reference at all? I mean, i'd imagine it would be gratifying if you saw a quote that you recogonized.

"HEY! I know that song! Oh yeah, that's a good part of the song..."

or is it more like:

"Why does he keep putting those words in italics down there... its annoying as fuck."

Feedback people.

The new day dawns, and I am practicing my purpose once again.
The Gabe Dixon Band - All Will Be Well

Still crazy after all these years

2006-02-27T06:25:00.000-06:00

I just came back from my sister's wedding, and i have to admit that i'm impressed. It was a short ceremony. In fact, it probably took longer to take all the photos than it did to actually get married. Now i've been to a lot of weddings over the last year or two. And they're always beautiful ceremonies and elaborate presentations. I'm talking towering cathedrals, the whole wedding procession, a catholic mass wrapped up in the whole ceremony (which usually makes the whole wedding last close to two hours). And while i've always thought of them as touching, i never got teary or emotional. My sister's wedding was quaint. The wedding procession consisted of her two sons walking her down the aisle, my niece as a flower girl, my sister as a maid of honor, and a best man. But after seeing my sister standing there, and hearing their vows, i'll admit that i got teary. Its my sister.

But its the reception that really shined. They put up a notice explaining/apologizing to anyone who wasn't expecting their reception. Basically, they're not big on formal affairs, so they wanted it to be more relaxed and casual. Since they're into games (ie: board, video, card) they had a table with a veritable mountain of board games, and TVs with video games hooked up. And then there was the food. It was all buffet style, so everyone helped themselves. They wanted to share the meals they had when the first started dating, so the buffet was comprised of Qdoba, subway, and a Krispy Kreme wedding cake. It was incredible. Towards the end of the night, it turned into a "game night".

Jeff is recovering from surgery following a disc herniation. So he's gone through plenty of physical therapy just to be able to walk again (with cane in hand). So when i heard "Sleepwalk" playing, and i walked in and saw him fulfilling a promise to dance with my sister (without cane in hand), it got to me again. I got teary. There's my sister, and she's happy. That's enough for me to be happy.

So in the end, it shouldn't matter if its a traditional wedding or not. It shouldn't matter what others might think about it. I think the marriage should be more important than the wedding. And given what i've seen, I think they're off on the right track.

So, to my sister and my brother-in-law:

Congratulations. I couldn't be happier for both of you. You deserve eachother. (in a good way, of course)

She's alright. Yeah, she's my sister.
The Stone Roses - Love Spreads

It's like walking really really fast

2006-02-22T07:03:00.000-06:00

So, the weather around here has finally warmed up a bit. 57 degrees of fahrenheit. What's that mean? I can't procrastinate with my running anymore. My current excuse has been something like, "Its cold... and i can't find my fleece hat to keep my ears warm. I'll just run when its warmer." (in my defense, that hat is fricken awesome, and i wish i really could find it).

So yeah, back to running. I really should've been keeping up with it anyways. It helps keep my mind off smoking, and tends to clear out any stressful thoughts (ie: michelle). Now only if i could get my sleep schedule back in rhythm.

Sun is shining in the sky, there ain't a cloud in sight.
ELO - Mr. Blue Sky

Wedding Crasher

2006-02-22T01:58:00.000-06:00

No, i haven't seen the movie. Yes, i heard it was funny. The subject line actually refers to an upcoming wedding that i'm attending. My sister's getting married. Its been planned for some time now, and being the procrastinator that i am, i still have to get her a wedding gift. So, am i obligated to buy a wedding present for the groom as well? Or just one present for the "couple". This stuff confuses me. And i really have to hand it to my sister. She sure knows how to "stick it" to what my family would consider traditional.

Now keep in mind, most of my extended family is pretty well off.   So when one of my cousins get married, we're talking cathedrals, limos, hotel suites, all that.   One cousin got married last summer to an indian (not native american), and they had two exhibition dances displaying the culture between them.   So when i say my sister Myra is bucking the tradition, i want you guys to understand the difference.   We're talking a dry bar for the reception. We're talking a Taco Bar for the meal. (no people bringing entree's and what not). We're talking a Krispy Kreme wedding cake.   Gawd i love my sister. She's got cajones.

Here's an example of how my family lacks tact. My mom said to Myra, "You know, if you wanted a real wedding we can afford it."   Now keep in mind, money really isn't an issue here. There's plenty of my family members who're willing to sponsor the wedding. (all doctors and the like).   This is the wedding my sister wants.   So dammit, she's getting it. (go sis!)

So, i'm off to chicago this weekend. What worries me is that i typically have HORRIBLE luck whenever i come back from a wedding.   So i have no idea what's gonna happen this time around.

And as a side note here, its been 57 days since i've had a cigarette. That's cold turkey boys and girls. And everyone knows that i could really use one after the last couple weeks i've been having.

Well open up your mind and see like me. Open up your plans and damn you're free.

Out of My Mind

2006-02-16T18:58:00.001-06:00

I'm guessing that no one noticed the last 2 subject lines. (one private, one public). They're actual lines from a song by James Blunt called "Out of My Mind". Points to anyone who knew that.

Anyways, i was contemplating calling Michelle over so that i could talk with her about everything. She has thursday nights off, so it would be an ideal time to talk to her. But i have this overwhelming feeling that if i call her, she's going to tell me that she already made plans with Tim. So i called up Megan to see what i should do.

After talking with Megan, i realized a lot of things. She always has a way of being blunt. I can always go to her for the cold, hard, rude, painful truth. Which she was more than happy to dispense. And afterwards, i decided not to invite her sister over. I already have an idea of what needs to be done, and it doesn't matter if i talk to Michelle or not. I have to deal with the issues with myself first. (besides, i think a part of me just wanted to call up michelle to find out if she really did make plans with Tim).

So, i'm better. I still have a lot to think about though.

I just need this stage to be seen.

We all need a pantomine to remind us what is real

2006-02-16T04:23:00.001-06:00

Again... It happened again.I should've seen it coming. It wasn't a matter of if Michelle would hurt me again. It was a matter of when. And then it was a matter of if i could handle it again. Again. I won't bother you with a dramatic dialogue that succinctly describes what i went through. I know, i usually tend to do that. But this wound is fresh. It still bleeds. The last thing i want to do is agonize over it, and try to figure out how to word it. So, here's the synopsis:

After she cheated on me, and lied to me, i pushed her out of my life. And i moved on. It took me awhile (and a trip to NY) to finally start to feel better. And i did.   Then she came back into my life. I gave her another chance.   And she hid things from me, and lied to me again. Again.   Fine, ok, whatever. I amputated that part once more. And once again, things got better. Again, she comes back. She tells me that she's changed. That she's been in my shoes, and can relate to me. And that she's learned to be honest with me, no matter how it may hurt me. Again, i allow her in my life.   And again, she omits the truth. Again, she lies, and manipulates.

Many people have asked me why i keep giving her chances (including Michelle herself). And i think i've figured out why.   Despite all my rants about being bitter and jaded, a part of me still wants to be that Hopeless Romantic that i used to be.

When i'm around Michelle, i feel something. Yes, i'm going to admit something pretty heinous, but i don't care.   There's a part of me that wishes i could be in love with her again. Maybe its just because i was in love with her once. Maybe its because i've shared so much with her, and still care about her. I don't know. I just know that when i'm around her, i feel like feeling again. In any respect, Michelle hurt me the most, so maybe a part of me feels like she's the one that has to renew my faith in women. That's why i continue to keep giving her chances. Sure, i know she'll hurt me, but i can't help but think, "What if this time its different?"   Its never has been different though. And i'm starting to wonder if i'm being optimistic or naive.

Someone once told me that there needs to be more hopeless romantics like me in the world. I replied, " There's a reason why there aren't many... they don't tend to survive in a world like this."

I thought she'd be honest with me this time. I really thought this time could be different. Just once, i wish i didn't have to dig for the truth. I wish i didn't have to accuse her of things that i know she's keeping from me. There's not even a reason to hide them from me.   I hate having to dig until i hit the truth. I hate accusing her. I hate making her cry. I hate who i become. For some reason, she has a way of bringing out the worse in me. I don't understand how someone who used to make me feel so good about myself, can make me loathe myself so much. Hell, its been over 7 weeks since i quit smoking, and i almost went up and bought a pack. Don't worry folks, i didn't. I'm sticking with it, but i hate feeling that way. I hate not feeling like i'm in control. I'm supposed to go to a bar this saturday for a friend's birthday. I wasn't really planning on drinking, but its starting to look like a possibility. Don't worry folks, i'm not an alchoholic. (no, that's not denial)

I know what you're thinking. "Stop talking to her already."   But i already answered that. I feel like if i give up on her, i'm giving up on myself when it comes to trusting others. So here i am again. Again. What do i do? What should i do? Can i withstand another round? Do i throw in the towel? I just need some time to think about this.

I might write more later. But i should probably try to get some sleep. Its already 5:30, and i have to work tomorrow at like 10 or 11 or something. Sorry for the lengthiness of this post, but i just needed to get some things out. I'm also disabling comments. I wasn't looking for answers, i was just trying to vent enough to get to sleep.   Thanks for listening/reading.

I can't take my mind off of you...
I can't take my mind...
My mind... my mind...
'Till I find somebody new.

Update: This rarely happens

2006-02-15T03:07:00.000-06:00

My first time single for valentine's day in 9 years, and honestly? It was pretty good. Better than i thought it would at be least. Thanks Megan (i know you don't know about my blog, but i'll thank you anyways). Thanks for the Valentine's. You really didn't have to, and you did anyways. It meant alot. And thanks Michelle. (who knows about this blog, but prolly won't read this anyways cuz she's always busy =p). You really didn't have to either. So it means a lot that you did.

So, its rare, but here you go. A bitter-free blog. Enjoy them while you can people! (who knows how long it'll last)

I reckon its again my turn to win some or learn some.

False face must hide...

2006-02-13T01:00:00.000-06:00

...what the false heart doth know.

A pre-valentine's day blog. One can only begin to imagine what this one's gonna be about. This will be the first time in nine years that i won't be in a relationship during Valentine's Day. Its either admirable or pathetic. I'll let you choose for yourself. Now don't get me wrong, i'm glad i'm single. I'm way to bitter/jaded to think of romance and love. But that's not to say i don't remember what i used to be like. And yeah, that i miss.

Sure, i could've been with someone. I recently stopped seeing someone last week. Why? Because she didn't deserve someone that was just looking to "fill a void" (which i was doing). Ashley was incredibly sweet. She got along great with my family, and i got along with hers. But i wasn't ready to be in a relationship, and i think we both knew that. I still have a hard time trusting women. If you keep burning your hand on the stove, you start to figure out its hot.
(speaking of trust, watch me segue into michelle...)

And who's been on my mind more than she should be as of late? Yup, her. I won't lie. Yes, i want her back in my life. But how can you be friends with someone you have such a hard time trusting? And i don't like not trusting someone. I find myself wondering if she's always telling me the truth. Afterall, she has a history of trying to "spare someone's feelings". (though what person doesn't?) But, i just feel like i'm always being taken for granted. Maybe i'm being paranoid. But i've been right before, and its not paranoia if you're right. I just don't know if she values me at all. And even if she could somehow show me, how can i trust that its sincere?

What i do know, is that it shouldn't have to be this hard.

When you need directions, then i'll be the guide. For all time.

Sweet Reminiscence

2006-02-05T23:12:00.001-06:00

So yeah, there's some stuff going on that's been on my mind. Some of the more astute among you might've noticed the private blog entry. Yup, most of what's been going on, i wrote in there. (sorry, but hey, its not like you were all that interested in that stuff anyways) So, rather than write some meaningful blog, or some cutting witticisms, i'm just gonna write down a moment from my own meandering existence.

It was back when i was at Oakville (yes, high school). My friend Laura (well... more of an acquaintance really) just went through a bad break up with her boyfriend. Yup, apparently men suck too. Anyways, i digress. My buddy Mike and I decided to hang out with her to kinda cheer her up. You know, "hang out", or "lolligagging", or whatever the term is nowadays. (fuck i'm old).

The Jefferson Barracks Bridge is near where i live, and some of the more trailblazing among us have figured out how to get under it. This is where we took her. Its pretty cool actually. You're at the edge of the Mississippi, listening to the cars thump, thump, thumping past. It was a concrete oasis peppered with indiscriminate pieces of metal. The only thing more abundant than the decrepit cars strewn about was the littered latticework of driftwood and junk. (yeah, was that too much description? a bit over the top i guess)

Anyways, on to the point of the story. On one of the concrete pillars, someone wrote out a phrase of such poignant nonsense, that i couldn't forget it. So, here it is:

I cast an aspersion across the table. Strewn with icons of society, metaphors of its demise. But i missed, spilling it all over my sweater.

Yeah, i can't even begin to follow up after that. I'm done.

Maybe its not about the truth, 'cause the truth couldn't set me free.

Please pull around to the second window...

2006-01-18T07:40:00.002-06:00

Triple Whoppers rock. Seriously. Well, i was at Burger King a few weeks ago getting one, when the girl at the drive-thru (i still don't know why they say: Drive-through) made a comment to me.

"You work at Old Navy, doncha?", the drive-thru girl cheerfully asked.

A bit taken aback, i said, "Um... yeah actually."

She replied, "You rang up my clothes the last time i was there. You were really nice." The latter added, almost as an afterthought.

Too many years in retail took its toll. Without thinking, i pitched, "There's some good deals going on, you should stop back by."

Ok, i'm gonna forego my normal literary habits, and actually just tell you what happened next, instead of turning it into a short novella.   (Just trying to make a long story short, if you don't like it, leave me a comment... or, if you like it better than my storytelling, lemme know that too).

The next day at work, she comes walking in. She says hello, walks around for 5min, and then before leaving, tells me that she's closing that night, and that /quote/ I should stop by /unquote/. I thought that was a bit weird, and she seems alot younger than i remembered. So i avoid Burger King for a bit. Eventually, i miss my Triple Whoppers too much, and i end up at the drive thru again. AND... she's there.   Basically, she tells me that she's quitting BK, and going to Taco Bell. I wish her luck, and get my food.

I promptly forget about it, and weeks end up going by. Now here's a rundown of what happened Sunday.

I'm craving Taco Bell and go up to order and it hits me.
~oh shit, didn't that one girl say she was gonna work here?~
I get to the Drive-thru, and a guy takes my order.
~whew. cool. no worries, if she is working, she's not at the window~
I start to pay when...
~shit... its her~

She tells me that she's been looking for me at Old Navy, but i haven't been working. I tell her that i haven't been working a lot. She asks if i'm working tomorrow. I admit that i am, but i feign ignorance as to what my shift is when she asks. "Maybe i'll stop in and see you then"

Then, monday, she comes walking in. Comes through my line to buy something, and hesitates when my co-worker offers to ring her up at a different register. She starts to leave, and i say goodbye. She shakes my hand and says her name is Sherri. I feel a piece of paper pressed into my palm. Yup, its her phone number.   I decide to call her up after work to let her know i'm not interested. She tells me that she's 16, and that she's been calling up to Old Navy to find out when i work... I tell her she's nice, and i admire her forwardness (see: stalker-ishness), but i'm way too old for her. Yeah, she didn't care. Apparently her last boyfriend was 24. And get this, it was her boss.

~note to self: "Stay away from young, fast food girls who date their boss... you've had bad experience with them" (read my old blogs if you don't know what i'm talking about) ~

Anyways, she insists that we "hang out". I tell her that it wouldn't be a good idea, and that the last thing i want to do is "lead her on". She still insists on hanging out. After a few more minutes of conversation, i manage to get off the phone.

Now don't get me wrong, i've always joked about how if i had a stalker, i'd probably date her.   But 16? God, it seems, is not without a sense of humor.

Oh, and if somehow you're reading this Sherri. If you are a stalker, please don't go crazy and key my car or something. Thanks in advance. *smile*

And so it is... The shorter story... No love, no glory...

Tell me a story

2006-01-13T02:05:00.001-06:00

The rain stumbled heavily out of the clouds. The sound of the wind barely concealed the tinny clink of a zippo lighter opening. His black hair kicked wildly just beyond the reach of the hungry, flailing flame. He closed the zippo with a flourish, and the night embraced him. The warm, dim glow from his cigarette could be seen reflected in his eyes. As he exhaled, his lips formed two inaudible words:

"Oh, Snap!"
---------------------------
Its raining outside, and i always, always smoke a cigarette on my porch when it rains. Well ok, i usually smoke. No, i didn't smoke, but Gawd knows i want one. Not necessarily for the nicotine, but for the nostalgia. Ya see, with my friends its pratically tradition to smoke when it rains. AJ and I have been doing it for gawd knows how long, and i usually call up Brian to smoke with me if there's a good rain storm outside. I usually relate introspection and "being pensive" with the rain (you know, all that gloominess), and its usually calming to smoke while i ponder the inconsequentialness of it all. (that's a word i think) So yeah, over 2 weeks... still haven't smoked.

Anyways, Michelle's been calling me up as of late. Or texting... or emailing... Ok, well to be fair, i haven't been completely straightforward with her. I tend to respond when she contacts me. Yes, i thought we set up parameters that she wouldn't call, or text or anything. And she even had her closure with me (or so i thought). So why do i keep answering when she calls? Why do i keep replying to her texts and emails? Sure, maybe i'm just being nice. (i'm a nice guy afterall, right?)

Usually when i want to vent or something, i'll just write here on my blog. But honestly, i haven't done that in awhile. And that's because i found out that Michelle's been reading this. That kind of puts a new spin on things. Things that i didn't necessarily want her finding out. Sure, maybe its because i didn't want to give her the satisfaction of knowing that i still think about her. Maybe its because i tend to be a little bitter/jaded when i talk about her. Either way, i've realized that this "blog" is for my benefit, and honestly, i don't care anymore who reads it and for what purpose.

So am i just being nice to her by responding to her phone calls? Sure, but i'm lying if i said there wasn't anything more to it. Sure, i miss her. Like i wrote before, she wasn't all bad. A part of me wants her back in my life. And that's why I keep answering my phone, or text her back. I even downloaded a movie from this anime series we used to watch together. I spent the better part of today wondering if i should call her up and tell her. So yeah, a part of me misses her.

There's an old colloquialism, "You've got to take the good with the bad". And that's the thing. As much as i do miss her, i'm not ready to take the good with the bad. The bad hurt too much. It still hurts. She has a way of complicating my life, and i'm not ready for that. Right now, the bad outweighs the good. So i told her, once again, that it would be best if she didn't contact me. I'll let you know how it turns out.

The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care... right?

Rehab is for quitters

2006-01-05T05:59:00.002-06:00

Yes, i have tongued my last carcinogenic phallus. As of December 26th, 2005, I quit smoking. Well, quit smoking for the third time. Now don't judge me just yet. Its not like some people where they only quit for a week, or a month. The first time i quit, i stopped for almost 3 years. Same goes for the second time i quit. Maybe i should start at the beginning.

I started smoking in 7th grade... right around new years. Which i continued to do right up until my senior year. That's when i met Erica. (for more info on erica, see my 2nd blog post) She claimed that she was allergic to cigarette smoke, and asked me to quit. At that point i was already a heavy smoker for almost 5 years, but i quit cold turkey. I didn't smoke again until three years later when i found out she was cheating on me. I continued to smoke for almost three more years that we remained together. It was after i left Erica that i met Michelle.

I hid smoking from Michelle at first because i knew that she didn't like it. I constantly kept gum, altoids, listerine strips, or anything that hid my breath. And i would make sure not to smoke at least 3 hours before i visited her. Now keep in mind i wasn't trying to hide it from her at first. She mentioned in passing the distaste she had for it, and i figured if she knew right away, she'd stop talking with me. But I knew i had to be honest with her if i wanted anything serious to develop (which i did). I remember the night i told her. We were sitting in my car, just outside her work. Before i told her i said that i would understand if she didn't want to see me anymore, but that i had to be honest. Afterwards, she just smiled and said that of course she still wanted to be with me, and that even though she didn't like it, she wasn't going to leave me for something like that. As she was leaving, she pressed her finger to my lips and whispered to me, "Don't smoke...". And then she kissed me. I quit smoking cold turkey again.   I didn't smoke again until over three years when i found out she was cheating on me. See a theme here?

I continued to smoke up until this past December. I figured that if i were to quit again, it shouldn't be for my girlfriend, it should be for myself.   And then i realized i didn't really care if i quit or not. Although, smoking recently had been making me quite nauseous, and my mom overheard me talking about how i should quit. Being a nurse, she was quite happy to hear i was thinking about it, and just lit up. (metaphorically speaking... not like smoking).

So i said to myself, "Self, if i'm gonna quit for a girl, it might as well be for my mom. Its not like she's gonna leave me". And i quit smoking...      again.

Since then, i've taken up running to get my mind off smoking. I run a mile anytime i get an incredible urge. That, and i consume large amounts of baby carrots. Specifically "spongebob squarepants" baby carrots. (hey, they're the only ones i could find) To make matters even more stressful, i ran into Michelle at the mall the first day i quit smoking. Its amazing how many excuses you'll try to find to smoke "just one more". Needless to say, my legs are incredibly tired, and i'm quite sick of carrots.   But hey, i didn't give in.

You can lie to yourself and all your friends, pretend that you don't care... Circumstance gets in the way.

Please sir, I want s'more...

2005-12-31T01:24:00.001-06:00

For those that (as my Iowa-ian sister would say) "lack couth", that subject line is from Oliver Twist. Anyways, there's a bet to settle here.

Now there's a campfire confection that's made up of Graham Crackers, Marshmallows, and Hershey's Chocolate. The name of these are S'mores. Now here's where the bet comes in. How are you supposed to pronounce that? As one word, or with a very slight pause? ie: smores? or suh-mores? I hold to the belief that its pronounced as one word, despite the apostrophe. My friend Ashley insists that there's an almost inaudible break between the "S" and the "mores". She says its because its supposed to sound like "some more" and got shortened to s'more. So, who's right here? Gimme some feedback here people.

Also, as a side note here, i know i haven't posted in awhile. What can i say? I work retail... its the christmas season. You put it together. So, i give you a belated Merry Christma-hauna-kwan-akis. Or something like that. Well, Happy New Year everyone. I'll update soon... i swear.

Should auld acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind?

White and sticky all over my face

2005-12-08T14:09:00.001-06:00

Its snowing.

(you sick bastards)

These reeling emotions they just keep me alive

Popp Quiz

2005-12-05T05:53:00.001-06:00

So i was hanging out with my friends the other day (as usual), and someway, somehow, the topic of highschool came up... teachers, in general. And i mentioned my most favoritest teacher in HS: Tamy Popp. And Brian mentioned something like, "You know, i remember reading something about her... I think she died a few years ago."

No, he wasn't trying to be a dick... he wasn't trying to be funny... he was just relaying information to me that he heard. I wasn't ready for how deeply that news would affect me. I just stood there in stunned silence. Naturally, I thought he was just trying to be an ass. So i kept asking him about it until i was sure he wasn't just fucking with me. He was being serious.

Now Mrs. Popp taught mathematics at Oakville. In fact, she was the "Yearbook Dedicatee" my graduating year. Anyone who had her as a teacher knew that when she wore her embroidered sweater (with the words Popp Quiz), that she was giving one out that day. She played one of the most prominent roles during my high school career.

~Flashback to "back in the day"~

Highschool. I was a completely different person back then. I played around with drugs way too often... rebelled/ignored any type of authority figure... and didn't really care about school so i skipped class way too much. I missed 3rd quarter entirely my first sophmore year. Yes, i said my first... Like i said, I didn't really care. Call it depression, call it a phase, call it peer-pressure. Either way, it happened.

I met Mrs. Popp during my downward spiral. I had her first hour for trig. Whenever i did make it to her class, she always challenged me to learn. Not for the sake of the school system, but for the sake of expanding my own mind. We'd talk about Theoretical Physcis, Hypercubes, Tesseracts, Chaos Theory... she even introduced me to a book called "Flatland" (Great book, it really makes you think differently). One day, she pulled me aside.

"Rian," she said with a satiric smile. "You seem to be missing a few of my classes."

"I guess you wouldn't believe me if i told you i wasn't feeling very well." I replied matching her tone.

Seriousness crept into her eyes. "I'm not sure what you might be going through, and its okay if you don't want to talk about it. I know you're an incredibly intelligent person. I know you're skipping classes. And i know that you'll most likely continue no matter what I say..."

"Mrs. Popp, I really don't need a lectu..."

"Just do me a favor," she interrupted. "Just don't miss my class."

And then she smiled. And i couldn't help but smile back. Sure, i still skipped school. But only after i went to her class (i'd just skip the remaining day). Eventually, I got my academic career back on track (lots of summer classes). And honestly, i don't know where i'd be if it weren't for her. She made me do something that no other teacher has done before. She challenged me to think.

Oh, and after i heard about Mrs. Popp from Brian, i went straight to my computer and did some searching. He was wrong, or misinformed, or whatever. She's very much alive, and still teaching. So, now for the whole purpose of this post:

Thanks Mrs. Popp... For Everything.

I've dealt with my ghosts and faced all my demons... Finally content with the past I regret.

Been a long time gone...

2005-11-11T05:29:00.001-06:00

There's a few blogs out there that i read, and when i do, i sometimes wonder why they haven't updated yet. I usually say to myself, "Self, how hard can it be to put a little something about their day, or their current thoughts, or what they might be dealing with currently." Well, i guess since i haven't updated for like 3 weeks or something, i can't really complain anymore.

In my defense though, my internet has been down for a week. As for the other 2 weeks? Well, i guess there hasn't been much to write about (i'm lying of course). I guess i always have seen this blog as a place to vent about the frustrations of women and the like. I guess over the last month or so, i've lost some of my bitter edge. Tam wrote something pretty insightful (as she usually does), and while i'm not totally in agreement with her, i always value her opinion. Maybe i do like the drama, who knows? I'll admit that i know i'm not ready for any kind of relationship at the moment though.

Anyways, just wanted to let the few people who actually glance at this that i'm still here, and proverbially kicking. There's some stuff i want to write about, but i'll save it for another time. Small recap though:
-went to visit my old friend AJ who i haven't seen in a couple of years
-spent time chillin' with Mike, Jaqueline, and Jill. (Jack n Jill, heh)
-started doing some stuff i probably shouldn't be doing
-got removed from my buddy Brian's "i'm done with you" list

Hopefully i'll find time to update soon. And if there's anyone else reading my blog besides my obvious friends, drop me a line or comment. Just wanna know who else i'm infecting with my rants.

The only thing worse than not knowing, is you thinking that i don't know

If time heals all wounds, i need some antibiotics...

2005-10-20T03:12:00.000-05:00

Even after this much time has passed, she's still getting to me. Why should it still bother me? I hung out with Megan tonight, she's Michelle's sister (my ex). I became friends with her through Michelle of course, and I decided to stay friends with her even after her sister cheated/broke up with me. Normally, i have a great time with her... Michelle's name hardly gets mentioned. But tonight, Ashton, another friend / megan's roomate, mentions how she never has seen Michelle act the way she does when she's with her new boyfriend. Yeah, that stings a little... i can't help it. So i've been thinking what that means.

If you ask any person what the opposite of love is, they'll most likely answer "hate". But that's not true. The opposite of love is indifference. Let me elaborate. Love and Hate are two sides of the same coin. Sure, they're on opposite sides, but no matter which side is up, you're still gonna have some money. But with indifference, you're broke (no feelings at all). So, i think i just hate Michelle. Or, hate what she's done to me, and how she can handle everything so non-chalantly. I guess anyone would feel that way. Here's the ironic part. I hate it so much, i want to feel indifferent about it.

I'm tired of hurting... tired of caring... tired of feeling bitter... tired of feeling jealous. No, not jealous because i'm not with her, but jealous because it doesn't seem like i'm moving on like she's doing. I thought time was supposed to heal this damn thing. Well, Father Time, what's taking so long?

There's one person who Michelle absolutely hates, and its the same person that she's EVER been jealous with me. Brittany. Now, like i've mentioned before, i don't have anyone to see Harry Potter with on opening night. I know that Michelle will be there with her boyfriend, and i didn't want to see it because i didn't want to run into her. Well, i've been told that if i really wanted to piss her off, i'd take Brittany to the same show. Brittany found out about the idea, and is all for it. She's willing to pretend she's my girlfriend, just because she doesn't like michelle either. Now, i'll admit, the idea is incredibly appealing (i'm only human ya know). But i'm not that spiteful. I don't want to do anything to anyone that'll purposely hurt them. I have my own morals to consider, and that's what sets me apart from other people (namely michelle). I mean, i might be bitter and jaded towards women, and even though i don't think very highly of them, i'll still treat them the way i think they should be treated (with respect). Not out of courtesy for them, but because its who i am.

So yeah, to sum up: I'm hurt, and i want to stop caring. I wish i could be spiteful, but know that i won't be. Sometimes i wish i wasn't me.

I set out on a narrow way, many years ago...

Love is not a bandaid...

2005-10-03T02:55:00.000-05:00

So i was talking to my friend Megan tonight. And she dropped the big L-bomb on her boyfriend this weekend. Yup, she said it first. Now see, they've been together for about three months roundabout, and i kinda cautioned her on taking it slow and all... but hey, i guess if you're in love, you have momentary lapses of reason.

Well, anyways, she told him, and he never said it back to her. Now that's not a big deal to her (at least she tells me) because that's exactly what she did to her exboyfriend. When he told Meg that he loved her, she felt she couldn't reciprocate the aphorism. That was the first time she had to deal with "love", and she didn't really know what it was... or if she was in it.   So when her current boyfriend didn't regurgitate the phrase, she thought she'd be okay with it.

But she wasn't. The next night she's upset, and like a good boyfriend, he asks her the courteous "what's wrong honey?"   And got the eventual "we need to talk" phrase back.

~~~
short segue here, In the history of all mankind, no good has ever come from the words, " We need to talk..."   (you can't forget the ellipsis) Seriously, every person knows that whatever comes after that is something serious. In fact, i believe the pause between that phrase, and the next sentence has a direct exponential relation. I mean, its never:
    "We need to talk..."
    "Ok honey... what about?"
    "Did you see that cardinals game?! wow... we kicked ass"
Oh no... you'll never see that.
~~~

So anyways, eventually they talk, and after much crying, he tells her that he loves her. The only explanation he gives for not saying it the night before, is that he was scared to say it.

And now, she's wondering if he really means it, or if he was just trying to be nice or to make it un-awkward (is that a word?) Personally, i don't think he knows what love is, but i do believe he does indeed love her... despite not realizing it.   I just reminded her that the important thing is she told him. Sure, maybe on some level she wanted a response, but i think it was more for her benefit. She wanted to tell him, because she felt it... and wanted him to know. I told her to just give him time, and he'll figure it out on his own. I guess time'll tell. Even in my jaded state, i know that love shouldn't be a bandaid.

I'd love you to love me...I'm beggin you to beg me.

Teetering on the narrow ledge of bitterness

2005-09-28T00:25:00.001-05:00

Yeah, i have posted anything for a bit. Guess i haven't been too bitter about too much as of late. Well, that changed when i saw a "bulletin" posted by one of my friends. Its as follows:

I'm the guy who will text you every single morning and tell you good morning and every single night to tell you sweet dreams.
I'm the guy who will text you and tell you "i love you and you make me smile" just because.
I'm the guy who will blindfold you, take you to the beach and let you run your toes through the sand then make you guess where we are.
I'm the guy who will show up at your games (or competitions or meets) without you knowing just to surprise you.
I'm the guy who will hold you when you're crying and wipe away your tears.
I'm the guy who still thinks you're beautiful with no makeup on wearing sweats and a big t-shirt.
I'm the guy who won't pressure you to do things you dont want to.
I'm the guy who will show up at your house with soup and a movie when you aren't feeling well.
I'm the guy who kisses you on the forehead.
I'm the guy who doesnt kiss and tell.
I'm the guy who actually listens to you when you talk.
I'm the guy who's excited all day because im looking foweward to our date that night.
I'm the guy who is content to just be able to hold you and wants nothing more.
I'm the guy who can't help but smile when you walk into the room.
I'm the guy who's perfectly content with staying in and watching movies and cuddling.
I'm the guy who won't lie to you about where he's going or where he's been or who he's been with.
I'm the guy who gets butterflies when he hears your name.
I'm the guy who picks you over his friends.
I'm the guy who's not afraid to tell his friends he loves you.
I'm the guy who isn't always trying to act like a hard ass around you.
I'm the guy who doesn't care about your imperfections and loves you more for them.
I'm the guy who will hold you while we watch the sunset.
I'M THE GUY WHO REALLY WANTS TO MAKE YOU THE HAPPIEST GURL IN THE WORLD.
Girls if this is your perfect guy repost this with the title "I want this guy"
Guys if this is you repost this with the title "I'm the guy"

As i was reading that, i realized that i literally did each and every one of those things for my past two girlfriends. Well, to be truthful, no, not the beach one... no beach in St. Louis. Yeah, "I'm the guy" alright. But, since we're being truthful here, how many girls really, truly want that? When i treated my ex's that way, they thanked me by cheating.

Lemme give some guys a piece of advice that was passed on to a friend of mine. Don't be that guy. Never change at least one thing about yourself either. The moment you become what they want you to be, they'll set their sights on changing someone else. So if you want someone to stay with you, keep one thing they don't like about you constant.

Also, i've found that girls want what they can't have. (actually, that works for many people). So if you're doing all those things on that list, you're pretty much whipped... and most likely, the girl will know that. And once she knows that she has you, she's not gonna want you anymore. (especially if someone new and in need of change comes along)

Now don't get me wrong, i've been whipped before, and i've been sweet... and romantic... and spontaneous... and... well, lets just say there's a reason for the adjective in "Hopeless Romantic". Maybe it would be more correct for me to say: "Yeah, i *was* that guy." (see blog header above)

Me, Bitter? You're damn right.

so when you tell me that you love me, know for sure

Jaded

2005-09-15T09:48:00.001-05:00

I just read my last blog, and it might come off to some as hateful or whatever. I'm just bitter and jaded, and i write what's on my mind (more for my sake). So, just don't take it the wrong way. I don't hate women, i just hate what's been done to me and my friends by them. Now excuse me, its raining outside, and there's nothing better than watching a storm while i smoke.

Sure... they mature faster.

2005-09-15T09:16:00.001-05:00

So, i went to this get-together the other night. I won't say whose so let's just call her M. So, M's husband's outta town, and she decides she wants some of her coworkers to come over and hang out. She's married, has kids already, and i guess just looking to have fun. Well, she decides to hang all over the guys... kissing, touching. (and lets just say this isn't the first occasion she's done this).

I'm really starting to think that this is a normal thing. When my buddy Mike hangs out with his social circle, all the girls will hang on him, and try kissing him, or even "proposition" him. Now, all these girls within this social circle are taken. Some have been with their boyfriends for over 7 years, some are even married.

Then, another coworker of mine, lets call her A. Well, A decides she wants to see what else is out there, she just conveniently forgets to mention this to her current boyfriend of a year. Then, she starts going out with someone else. I ask her, "So, what about Rick? (her original boyfriend)". She replies, " Oh, Dan knows about Rick already." Apparently, she's waiting to tell her original boyfriend untill the "time is right". Maybe i'm crazy, but wouldn't the right time be when you start seeing someone else?

I've asked all the girls up at my work (Old Navy) if they've ever cheated on someone, OR, if they've ever done something they've felt guilty about when they were with someone. Everyone except 3 said yes. One, was never in a relationship (she was like 16), and another one doesn't date (she's devoutly religous or something). So, that means most of the female employee's there have cheated at one point in their life. That's wives, mothers, teenagers, young adults.

The thing is, most guys i know, are people who *want* a relationship. Who talk about their problems, and try to work things out. We want something more than just physical, we want a connection, we want to "just click". I've have actually ended a relationship with a girl because i just wasn't falling for her. She wanted to be more physical with me, and i just didn't feel right about doing it because I didn't feel the same way that she did about me. I was honest with her, and even though it hurt her, i know it was the right thing to do. And we're still friends today.

Is that too much to ask for? Because from what i'm noticing, the girls i talk to would rather avoid confrontation, or just make things easier for themselves. I've mentioned this to someone before, and she replied, "wow... you just renewed my faith in men." i told her, " The problem is, i haven't met anyone to renew my faith in women."

Must i always be playing, playing your fool

Blogging blogs...

2005-09-13T02:07:00.001-05:00

(wow... a blog w/o whining about my previous love-life)

So, i couldn't sleep tonight, and decided to try to do the "social thang" or something. I went around and checked a good portion of UMSL profiles out there. Now don't get me wrong, there's a lot of interesting people out there, and there's people out there that don't even write much at all, just the basics. But what brings out the cynic in me are the profiles/blogs of the 18yr old girls posting how much they're in love, and how her boyfriend's shit don't smell. (not in those exact words of course). Don't get me wrong, i hope everything works out for them, i just can't help but think i know better. (yes, i'm jaded). I guess i'm just too realistic to be optimistic.

Burning on, just like a match you strike to incinerate...

Straw and camels

2005-09-12T07:26:00.001-05:00

Well, Michelle and i decided to try at a "relationship" again... and after about 3 months or so, we decided that it was pretty much not gonna work out. We left it at friends. We set up boundaries, and we knew our limits. Ya know, how far we could go with eachother, and also keeping it open to see other, new people. I honestly thought i could do that. Apparently, i couldn't. We'd go out alot to see movies, or she'd just come over and spend time with me at my place. It was nice, i honestly thought that it seemed like we were dating again. And i guess its naive, but i think i started to re-establish feelings for her in the back of my mind.
Well, anyways, i come back from my cousin's wedding in Nebraska, and go to visit her up at work. She tells me that its pretty late, and that i probably shouldn't wait up there for her. I tell her its alright, i don't mind, but she insists. So, i think there's something else going on, and after about 20min of talking, she finally tells me.
"Well, my boss Chris is closing with me tonight, and i just found out he likes me."
"And what, you're expecting something to happen tonight? You want something to happen between you two?"
"I'm not expecting it... but i wouldn't mind."
So, i left her to be alone with him. You have no idea how much that hurt. I mean, yeah, i know we had boundaries set already... and that we were only really just "friends with benefits", but i just felt something more between us whenever we were together. It hurt to know that she didn't feel that way about me at all.
We were supposed to go see a movie that Tuesday, and i thought it would be better to just sit down and talk to her about where we stood instead. Afterall, i was having a hard time with this, and i figured i only really had two choices. A) I stay just "friends" with her, and truly try to learn to live with it. or 2) I cut her out of my life completely so i can start to get on with my life. I mean, i did cut her out of my life once before... i could do it again. I called her to tell her to come over instead of going to the movies, and she told me that she assumed we were'nt hanging out today anymore, and made plans to see a movie with Chris. "Well", i said to her, " Can you possibly reschedule your date with Chris? We did have plans afterall, and honestly its kind of important that i talk to you." She told me no, that she couldn't. I asked her if going on a date with Chris was more important that keeping whatever friendship we had left, and she just kept silent. It was then i realized I couldn't even stay friends with her. I've just been the backburner boyfriend this entire time. I never truly was important to her. Our final conversation ended like this:

"I love you Michelle, but you make me absolutely miserable. And what's worse, is that you don't even realize it."
"Realize which one?"
"Exactly..."

you just refuse to bend, so i keep bending till i break...

It keeps getting better...

2005-09-10T18:54:00.000-05:00

So, there's the first part of it... wasn't so bad really. After that i met someone named Michelle. I won't get into the good "meaty" stuff with her, but to sum up, i was with Michelle for over 3 years, although after 2 years, she started seeing someone i thought i was friends with. She kept it from me the entire time, he even bought her a cell phone and mailed it to her so she could talk to him as much as she wanted too... all behind my back. And i had to find out about it myself. Heaven forbid her actually confronting me about our/their relationship. I found out on my own that she flew to Vegas to go spend a weekend with him.

All this kinda hit me hard, and i decided to go stay up in New York for awhile to get my mind off stuff. After i came back, i was doing good... started dating again (which didn't work out), but after about 6 months of "no michelle", she basically showed herself into my life again.

Apparently, things with her new BF weren't working out, and she wanted to try again with me. Well, i said to myself, " Self, why shouldn't i... i've matured, i'm changed... she could be changed too."

I couldn't have been more wrong...

a loaded god complex.... cock it and pull it.

Getting to know me...

2005-09-09T16:10:00.001-05:00

Ok, to give you an idea where i'm coming from, here's something i wrote about my ex-fiance, Erica. It was a while back that i was with her... and i think i eventually broke up with her around 2001, but its a starting a point before i get into the real story (rant) that i have. So, umm... here:

What's Best For Me

The sun pushed its way through the window blinds, determined to cast its horizontal lines against the wall. I let the car keys slip from my fingers to land on our small wooden table at the top of the stairs. I leave the stress of the day on the table with my keys, glad to be rid of them both. I've been working two jobs since I moved in with my girlfriend. We were forced into that situation after our graduation, when her parents asked her to move out. In fact, they were quite adamant about it. They never did approve of our relationship, or me…

She would be back from her friend's house soon. It was the first time in days I would be able to spend with her. Most of her time was spent with her new friends now, people she met at her group therapy sessions. Her depression was subsiding, so I guessed it was working. But because of it, our apartment has been silent more than anything lately. Tonight would be different, I thought. I hastily drew her a bath, and relaxed on our lopsided couch, anticipating her arrival. With a "creak" and a "clink" the door slid open. I heard her laughing her goodbyes to her friends, with promises of seeing them soon. As she came up the stairs, she threw a smile in my direction. Her blond hair cascaded around her face, as if to pull your attention away from her bright, blue eyes. Her attention then turned towards the cats, as it always does. And after minutes of affectionate playing, she finally allowed her bags to slide off from her smooth shoulders.

"How was your sleepover, hon?" I teasingly asked. As if she were too old to be spending the night at a friend's.

"We talked," she said. And turned on the television.

A year ago, I would have been paranoid about a sleepover at a friends house. Any man would be nervous about their girlfriend sleeping at another guy's house. Last year was very different though. It was last year when she cheated on me. Her depression was unmanageable that year. There were times I would come home to find her asleep on the bed, tears hugging her cheek and pillow. The sense of worry grew in me every day. Because of my jobs, I couldn't be with her all the time, so I asked a coworker if he would stop by and check in on her. We were fast becoming friends, and I felt comfortable asking him. Besides, my girlfriend and I have went out with him on occasion. They became good friends, often talking to each other late into the night. Their relationship sprouted like a weed growing in a garden. It escalated like a house of cards, and then came crashing down. It was a tough time for all, but we managed to work through it and stay together. My girlfriend and coworker vowed never to talk or see each other again. And after awhile, the trust came back.

"I fixed you a bath if you want to relax." I mentioned absently, hoping to gently steer her attention from the television to me.

She simply replied, "Thanks," and continued to watch, while channels flashed across the screen like a breeze blowing upon an open book.

As I rose from the couch, and started towards the kitchen, I asked over my shoulder, "What do you want to eat tonight?"

"Oh, that's okay," she said. "I'm going back out to eat with my friends, I'm just waiting for them to change and come back."

"Maybe I can come with you then," I said, holding on to a little hope of seeing her. "Its been awhile since we've seen each other," I quickly added.

"Well, its kind of a "friend" thing tonight," she explained. "I'm not sure if the others will feel comfortable talking with you there."

What little hope I had drained from my body and seeped into the carpet. I was crushed. A car horn pierced through the room, shattering my attention. And as she picked herself off the couch, I stepped in front of her.

"I'm going to be honest with you, I miss you," I admitted. "I never see you anymore, and when I do see you, its only to say goodbye."

"I miss you too, but I need this right now," she emphasized. "I need my friends. I never had that when I was younger. I've told you this before."

"But when you said you needed a social life, I thought that included me," I stammered. "Where do I fit in this 'new life' you're living?" My words were suddenly cut short, as another car horn beat against the window.

"You are in my life, but I need this right now," she reasoned. "My therapy group told me to do what is best for me right now, and I need to do it." Her words were cut short by a sharp knock on the door.

"And what about me," I simply asked, concern rising in my voice.

"Well, you need to do what is best for you," she said flatly.

She turned away, and with a "creak" and a "clink" the door slid shut. I was left alone in our apartment again, with the only voice to comfort me coming from the television. As my finger came to rest on the power button, the television blinked off, plunging me into silence. I was left alone again, with only my thoughts to keep me company.

"I need to do what's best for me," I repeated to myself, like a mantra. The phrase spun itself around my mind, like a top twisting too quickly trying to balance. And like a top, the phrase eventually came to rest. Deep down inside me, I knew what was best for me. I was comfortable, not happy. Its been four years since I graduated high school, and I had no education, no career. At first, I was helping with her depression, but not anymore. In a way, I was keeping her from getting better. We were trying to go separate ways, like two people playing tug-of-war. I knew what was best for me, and it wasn't being with her. It was time I let go.

The following day, I told her what was "best for me". At first she was shocked, and didn't believe it. Then like a sponge slowly gathering water, the realization set in. At a time when our relationship was on calm waters, I was rocking the boat. I knew if I didn't leave quickly, I would never have the strength to leave at all. For a relationship that lasted for four years, it was over in four days.

And as I hesitantly packed the last of my things, she laid her hand on mine.

"We can work through this," she weakly whispered through tear-stained cheeks. "We just need to keep trying."

My shoulders visibly slumped at the memory of how many times I kept trying for her.

"I don't have the strength to keep trying," I meagerly pushed from between my lips. And as the wind scattered the last tear trickling down my face, she gently cried in the doorway. And with a "creak" and a "clink" and the door slid shut.